Tag Archives: Word of the Week

Doctor #WotW #PoCoLo

So I had two doctor’s appointments this week. First, like I said last Monday, I was seeing my GP on Wednesday regarding my mild motor skills impairments. A little explanation is in order. I have always had fine and gross motor skills impairments. Since they are so mild, they have always seemed practically non-existent in the face of the major disability of my blindness. As a child, I held my parents’ hand till I was at least twelve. This was however seen as a lack of self-confidence. I did use my white cane when prompted, but since I had trouble accepting my deterioratng vision, I apparently chose dependence on others over the white cane. When I did use it though, I often used it as a walking stick.

Now I’m no longer ashamed of the white cane. I in fact prefer to have it with me even if I walk sighted guide, because then at least people will see I’m blind. Still, despite having had countless orientation and mobility training sessions, I still cannot seem to use the white cane in its proper way. Even so, I feel very unsteady when walking independently. I would love to learn to improve, because, even though there is no route in our village I’d like to learn to walk without anyone accompanying me, I’d love to be able to walk without holding onto someone’s arm. That would enable me to go to events on my own by accessible transportation, which I now avoid due to not wanting to ask strangers to be my guide.

As for my fine motor skills impairments, I cannot eat neatly no matter how hard I try. I find this terribly embarrassing. I also struggle with preparing my own breakfast, pouring myself drinks and other skills that require the use of both hands. I can perform tasks that require just my right hand just fine and I can use my left hand for support, but activities that require coordinating both hands, just don’t work without adaptations. I’m curious to know whether such adaptations exist.

My GP looked up what seemed to have been a letter written by my previous GP in the institution. It said that I was born prematurely (correct), had a stroke as a baby (not correct, it was a brain bleed) and developed hydrocephalus as a result (correct). The resulting impairments are diagnosable as acquired brain injury. I seem to have read that when a person sustains a brain injury before age one year (or three in some countries), it’s not diagnosed as an ABI. The correct diagnosis, well, I don’t know. Motor impairments are, or so Dr. Google tells me, often diagnosed as cerebral palsy, but then they have to be severe enough, which I doubt mine are. I didn’t question the doctor though, although the confusing diagnosis did frustrate me more than I’d hoped it would. After all, my intention was to ask about treatment options.

The doctor told me that, if I’ve been stable for over two years, there’s no hope for neurological improvement. This timeframe is longer in children, but since I’m now 31, I’ll pretty much have to learn to live with my impairments. Still, I might benefit from occupational therapy and possibly a little physical therapy to help me learn to use adaptations and learn compensatory strategies. The doctor is going to contact the nearest rehabilitation center to ask whether an occupational therapist can take me on. My blindness may be an issue though, in which case I’ll need to see an occupational therapist at the blindness agency. They don’t often know acquired brain injury though. Seeing both is not an option insurance-wise.

I also saw the mental health agency’s general doctor on Thursday. The physical health screening with the nurse and all the things I didn’t know about my childhood conditions, were what had prompted me to see my GP. I discussed the GP visit for a bit. Then we went over the lab work the doctor had ordered. Everything was within the normal range except for one thing, creatinine, which was a little high. The most likely reason for this is that I don’t drink enough water.

With these two appointments and my having been having them on my mind all week, my word of the week is going to be “doctor”.

The Reading Residence
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Day Activities #WotW

Oh man, I haven’t written in nearly two weeks. This isn’t unheard of on my blog over the past year or so, but it does feel a little weird, given that I fully intended on writing more in May. I have now been home from the mental institution for two weeks and it’s going better than expected. I’m of course still having my ups and downs, but I haven’t been in a full-blown crisis yet.

As I mentioned in my last post, I started day activities May 9. It was really hard at first. Like I said, the group I’ve been placed in does simple manual labor like packaging and sorting tasks. I found this boring and difficult at the same time. Last week though, I found an activity that is useful as well as doable for me. It’s making paper props. That sounds incredibly dumb and useless, but paper props are used to store paint cans with, so that the paper will absorb the paint should a can leak. My staff said this activity drives her crazy, but it truly is a sensory friendly activity to me.

Last week, we also did some gardening. I don’t like my hands getting dirty, so I had trouble with this activity. However, while going to the garden, someone mentioned a set of swings. I at first thought the swings were only to be used by those with more severe disabilities. Then someone from my group went on them, so I asked the staff whether I could use them too. It was fun!

However, the best activity yet was snoezelen. This Wednesday, I was very irritable, the staff took me to a room. “Have you heard of the snoezelen room?” he asked. I had heard of this and had in fact asked my treatment team at the institution if I could try this at the intellectual disability unit about a year ago. They said “No.” After all, I wouldn’t be able to do this once home. Snoezelen was developed in the Netherlands and there isn’t a proper English term for it. It is a particular type of sensory play. Basically, in a snoezelen room, the service user or their staff can control the entire sensory enviornment. For example, there are lights, soothing music, soft spots to sit in, etc. I haven’t discovered all there is to this room yet. Maybe tomorrow, the staff will show me around.

on Thursday and Friday, when I became slightly irritable, the staff took me to the snoezelen room again. On Friday, the staff asked if I would like to have this in my daily schedule. I felt a little weird, as I had gotten the idea from my institution treatment team that this is only for people with severe intellectual disabilities. The staff however said that if it helps me, it’s fine.

I’m choosing “day activities” as my word for the week. Next week, we’ll unfortunately have Thursday ad Friday off, but I’m hoping to enjoy Monday through Wednesday mornings there.

The Reading Residence

Disappointment #WotW

This week was a lot less exciting than last week. It was really a big disappointment. That’s why I choose this as my word of the week.

On Monday, I had an okay day. I went to day activities and made a simple soap. There was only one activity staff so I had to be able to do the soaping mostly independently. The staff complimented me on the fact that I was able to be relatively independent indeed.

On Tuesday, I was supposed to leave for the potential new day activity place at 10AM. Since I got up really early, I wanted to go to day activities at my unit for a bit before the cab arrived. Unfortunately, the day activity room was closed because there was no staff available. Both of our regular staff are on vacation and apparently all subs had to work someplace else. An E-mal had been sent out notifying the nursing staff that the day activity room was closed, but only the nurses at the locked ward had received it. I was early, so my nurse went to morning report or something after dropping me off. Twenty minutes later, I panicked because no activity staff had shown up. A nurse from the locked unit came by and informed me that the day activity room was closed. Fortunately, someone was able to call my unit so that a nurse could come pick me up.

The cab arrived exactly on time and drove me to the supported employment building in the city where the day activity place is. Supported employment has largely been discontinued, so the building now houses other services, like the day activity place. The cab driver at first couldn’t find the entrance. Once he found it, I announced my arrival to the receptionist. It turned out the day activity place was in a faraway corner of the building and you had to walk through many corridors to get there. I was nearly run over by a supported employment person on a forklift truck. Those long corridors and the forklift truck gave me the impression that I would never be able to get from reception to the day activity room independently. Quite a bummer.

I arrived in a cafeteria where a large number of people were drinking coffee and chattering. I was seated by a day activity staff and we chatted some. A consumer got seated across the table from me and tried to chat me up. Not what I wanted that moment. Finally, my independent consumer advocate arrived and we got talking about what I expected out of day activities. I mentioned my new hobby of soap making, but we didn’t go into that. The staff member talked about ceramics and such. I couldn’t follow half the conversation by now, because I was overloaded.

We went to check out the actual arts room, which was quite crowded too. It was a disappointment. Next Tuesday, we’re going to have a look at a day activity place that’s part of the same organization but in another city. This place is supposed to be a little less overwhelming. I hope so.

My mother-in-law came to pick me up and offered to have lunch together. We ate a delicious chicken salad at what my husband later said was quite an expensive restaurant. My mother-in-law had gotten the idea of eating out there and I wasn’t there when she paid for us, so I won’t let myself be consumed with guilt. When she dropped me off at home, I gave her one of the goat’s milk soaps with honey that I’d made last week. She did allow me to use the pic she took, but I wasn’t able to get it off Facebook. I slept the entire afternoon.

On Weednesday, I had a meeting at home with a person from the mental health agency’s home support team. Two people came by and they hardly introduced themselves. That set the tone for the meeting. The whole meeting was one big disappointment. It turns out they can only offer two hours a week of home support and you don’t get to be able to phone someone if needed inbetween appointments. I can’t remember much else, except that they asked me how I see myself in two years’ time. I couldn’t answer that question right then and they talked about how it’s my life and I need to be able to get meaning out of it and stuff. As if I don’t know that.

Finally, they said that I might benefit from the assertive community treatment team helping me and then home support coming by twice a week to unburden assertive community treatment. I’m not sure I want anything to do with this home support team at all, given how they treated me in this meeting. They were truly all patronizing and yet telling me I need to be able to do this and that and whatever. Since my current treatment provider is already trying to get me signed up for the assertive community treatment team, I’m not interfering with that. When the people left, I was so disappointed I had destructive urges. Thankfully, I got to go back to the institution that afternoon.

Thursday and Friday went by in a blur. I only went to day activities for a short while on Thursday, because a male sub who didn’t know stuff was there. My named nurse sent an E-mail to my psychologist asking her to schedule an appointment with me. I’d done the same early that week, but still my psychologist replied that if I wanted an appointment, I could contact her. Go figure.

Altogether, this whole week was filled with smaller and bigger disappointments. I am really hoping next week is better.

The Reading Residence

Upbeat #WotW

Another more than a week has gone by. This week was pretty intense. I have been in a relatively good mood most of the time. Also, I made some good progress within the last few days. For this week, I am participating in Word of the Week again and my word is “upbeat”.

Monday started out not too great. I had a conflict with one of my activity staff. In the morning, I had been busy with quite a difficult soap making project and had asked for help a little too many times. My activity staff had, or so she said, been attending to me constantly. She didn’t say so till the end of the morning and said that I couldn’t make soap in the afternoon, because she’d be the only staff in attendance. I was pissed and had an anger outburst. After I calmed down a bit the nurses asked what was up. I told them and a nurse accompanied me to the activity room after lunch to talk to the activity staff. Both of us had been overreacting a bit it turned out and she had been offering help sometmes when it wasn’t needed. In the afternoon, I made an easier-to-make soap and did it mostly independently. On Tuesday and Wednesday I also made soap and had a lot of fun doing so.

On Thursday, I would be leaving for home in the afternoon. I had gotten a letter from the local social consultation team and had handed it to my social worker. I had some trouble scheduling an appointment with her, but eventually, we worked something out. Turned out the letter wasn’t anything we needed to do anything about.

Early in the afternoon, I got a call from my independent consumer advocate telling me that he had made an appointment for me to go take a look at a day activity place next Tuesday. The place had been mentioned during the kitchen table talk with the social consultant and independent consumer advocate, but I had apparently erroneously thought that my town didn’t have a contract with this organization. I will visit the place on Tuesday at 11AM. Depending on how I like that place, we may take a look at another place that’s part of the same organization later on.

The consumer advocate also told me that the social consultant would be calling me about an appointment with the mental health agency for home support services. She called me while I was in the cab on my way home. I will have a meeting with the mental health agency’s home support person on Wednesday at 9AM. My consumer advocate will also be attending that meeting with me. If this and the day activity thing go well, the social consultant is hoping to proceed with getting things arranged that same week, because she will be on maternity leave after that. For those who don’t know, a social consultant is a local civil service person who makes decisions about funding for community care. Because I am now institutionalized and will be going home, a new decision regardng funding will need to be made. Of course, I don’t expect things to move that fast and the social consultant can of course hand over my case to a colleague. Ttill I’m hoping they’ll reach a decision about funding for home care and day activities within a few weeks. That will make it much easier for me to prepare for actual discharge out of the institution.

I went home Thursday evening. On Friday, my husband had to be at work by 6AM, so the alarm clock went off at 4:20. I slept some more but, once my husband was off to work, I could hardly sleep any longer. I had somewhat of a difficult morning, but practising mindfulness helped me get through it. I was upbeat in the afternoon, when a Facebook friend who also makes soap came by. I had met her specifically through soap making, but we also had some fun chatting. We made a lip balm, sugar scrub and goat’s milk melt and pour soap with honey.

Today, I’m tired but still upbeat. The nurses made us fresh macaroni. That’s one of my ward’s summer traditions. I must honestly say my husban’ds macaroni is better, but then again this macaroni is much, much better than the lame excuse for food we get everyday.

Like I said, except for Monday, I’ve been feelign mostly upbeat this week. I am still loving my soaping craft and an looking forward to the progress we’ll make next week.

The Reading Residence

Medical #WotW

It’s been a tough week, so I haven’t written much. I’ve had countless plans and ideas in my mind, among which restarting my Dutch blog (yes, again!), but my brain and body won’t fully cooperate. I did restart the Dutch blog, but I only republished an old post. Because I can’t really get my mind to work towards creating an original blog post, I’m just going with #WotW and share my word for the week. I’m a bit late, but I checked and the linky is still open.

My word of the week, not quite surprisingly, is: medical. I’ve had quite the week with medical visits, after all. On Monday, I had to be screened by an endoscopy nurse in preparation for the upper GI endoscopy, which was Friday. The screening was relatively easy-going. The only hurdle was that the nurse hadn’t gotten a referral letter, so he had no idea why I was supposed to get an endoscopy. I explained that i had heartburn and pain up my esophagus. “Ah, you have reflux.” I happen to know the term in English but had hardly heard of it in Dutch and thought it’s the same as heartburn. I got the idea that the nurse felt the endoscopy wasn’t necessary, but he didn’t say so. Not that it’s his job to decide on such matters anyway. The nurse did say that my being short of breath while lying down but not (too badly) during slight exertion could be due to the reflux.

On Friday I got the actual procedure. It was a breeze too. A nurse from the institution came with me since my husband was at work. She wasn’t allowed in the room when I got the endoscopy but that wasn’t a big problem. I was sedated under twilight anesthesia, where you’re conscious but not quite aware of what happens. I can’t remember a thing about the procedure itself, though I do remember being brought to recovery. In the bed next to me was a man who got the news that he might have cancer. That gave me a bit of anxiety, because I still wasn’t so sure nothing would be found on my endoscopy. As it turned out, the doctor was finished telling me the results within less than half a minute. Nothing was found and he’d send a letter to my GP. I’m glad that nothing was found, although it would’ve been better if something with an easy, targeted treatment had been found.

On Tuesday, I went to my GP again because I’ve been having terrible fatigue and what I have gotten to believe is some sort of brain fog. I didn’t mention the term brain fog but did describe what it’s like. The doctor sent me for bloodwork and is going to give me a physical examination next week. Even though I’ve been a little less exhausted over the past few days, I do hope something easily treatable will be found. As the doctor explained, fatigue usually has more than one cause. It could be I’m having some case of the winter blues, because I’ve been feeling more depressed lately too. Fatigue for me gets better and then worse but it’s never fully gone though. I have had vitamin and iron deficiencies in the past, so we’lll see whether these are acting up again.

The Reading Residence

Hurricane #WotW

Yesterday, I bought the book Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder by Sarah Hendrickx. I have been on the verge of crying as I read it. Hendrickx starts the book by recounting her meeting with her son’s autism diagnostician, whom she tells that she herself has autism too. The doctor doesn’t believe her, because she can hold down a two-way conversation. Wham! I heard that exact same stereotype countless times before. Hendrickx replied that maybe it’s because she’s an adult and a woman.

Last Wednesday, I was trying to communicate the mind-blowing chaos of thoughts and emotions and sensations in my head that is casuing me to have great difficulty functioning. I’ve tried to communicate this ever since I entered the mental health system in 2007, but it doesn’t seem like this is of any importance to my staff or treatment team. My psychologist put it down as rumination in an E-mail to the psychiatrist, because I asked for a med review. The “hurricane in my mind” led to a crisis yesterday. For whatever reason, a psychologist – one I hadn’t met before – was sent to talk to me today. Usually this means I’m in big trouble, but he didn’t threaten any consequences.

I’m not sure whether an unquiet mind is common with autism or whether it’s purely a borderline thing. I sense that it’s more to do with my autism, because it is not the content of my thoughts that is distressing, but the chaos the thoughts, emotions and sensations create. As such, it is particularly hard to communicate.

Unfortunately, my unit is not equipped to deal with autism and I appear to function too well to be getting autism-specialized support. The autism center’s entire recommendation was thrown into the bin by my psychologist and now I’m stuck being sent to a treatment team for personalty disorders. I won’t say I don’t have BPD too, but I also have autism and need support for this. Unfortunately, because I can hold down a two-way conversation, the team thinks I’m not all that autistic at all. Maybe that’s because I’m an adult and a woman.

After all, I was utterly incapable of holding down a two-way conversation even when in high school. As I’ve shared before, I am perhaps the opposite of the old DSM-IV autism criterion which says that autistics do not spontaneously share their feelings or interests. Hendrickx does point out that autistic girls may superficially appear quite sociable, but show self-centeredness on a deeper level. That’s exactly me.

But I don’t care about behavior, at least not anymore. Medication has sedated me enough that I don’t exhibit many troublesome behaviors anymore. Perhaps this means I can now come across relatively normal, but I don’t feel normal at all.

Another thing that’s annoying about this is people constantly attributing thought processes to me that aren’t there. For example, when I reacted with irritability at a psychotic man on my unit who constantly talks to his voices, I was told that I should try to imagine what it’d be like to hear voices all the time. I can’t imagine what that’s like, though I do understand it must be very distressing, but my irritability was not out of anger with this guy. It was just that I was utterly overwhelmed. And just so you know: thinking that the hurricane in my mind is just a breeze, doesn’t make it disappear.

Due to the stress of making arrangements for moving to the tiny village, the hurricane, the chaos in my mind, has been particularly strong this week. Therefore, I choose “hurricane” as my word of the week.

The Reading Residence

Prepare #ThePrompt #WotW

We got new carpet in my husband’s and my apartment yesterday. It is one item ticked off our list of things we needed to get done before I’d move out of the institution and in with my husband. Not that I need new carpet myself, but it’d be great if all refurbishing in our apartment is done before I move in. The cats did need new carpet, because the type we used to have was hard to clean.

This week’s prompt over at mumturnedmom is “prepare”. In honor of this, I will be talking about the other things we need to get done for me to move in with my husband. I’m also choosing “prepare” as my word of the week.

First, there are the adjustments we need to make to our apartment. We already got a Senseo coffee brewing system, or at least a system which uses coffee pods. This makes it easier for me to make coffee, because, though I used to be able to work a regular coffee maker, I find ours quite hard to operate. We also got an electric stove, so that I can cook with some help myself. The laundry machine and microwave still need to be labeleed for me to operate them.

We got me a new desk for in the living room. My husband has his own study, but the tiny room that was meant to be my study is taken up by the cats (by my choice). The couch still may need replacement too.

Then there are the arrangements we need to make for my home care needs to be met. In this respect, we’re not yet going anywhere. We got a letter with recommendations from the autism center this week, but my psychologist didn’t agree with most of the recommendations. The center recommended I get an autsim-specialized coach involved to determine my needs for care and help me learn independence, but we aren’t yet sure whether any of the coaching agencies they mentioned are contracted for care by our local government. They also will most likely only be able to provide scheduled services, and that won’t meet my needs.

What I need most, after all, is someone to be available for support when I need it and my husband is at work. My husband works irregular hours too, so office hours are not enough. Ideally, the support worker would be able to come out to my home on occasion if I were in a really bad condition, but most times, phone support would probably be enough. The care officer with the local government didn’t say whether this is a possibility. She only said we can get at most three hours of care a day. She meant direct care, so that’s quite a lot.

My psychologist is considering getting the mental health supported housing agency and the assertive community treatment team involved. Both are not autism-specialized but do provide on-call support. I haven’t yet heard whether she has been able to contact either of these agencies yet.

Before I move out, I need to practise being at our apartment when my husband is at work. I haven’t yet been able to do this. I need to discuss taking this step and actually take it soon.

I have been setting a goal for myself. My subscription for mobile Internet access on my laptop expires in late May, 2016. I have a goal that I want to be living with my husband by then. It’s not that I can’t renew my subscription, but it’s just, I want to move out so badly and having a clear date in my mind helps me stay focused.

mumturnedmom
The Reading Residence

Mood #WotW

The past few weeks have been rather hectic. I started out last week in a creative, elated and slightly impulsive mood. I spent days and nights finally reading a book I’ve been wanting to read for a while. I hardly slept at all. Needless to say, after four or five days of this mood, I was exhausted and crashed. I spent some days in bed being a bit depressed and not having much energy for anything.

Then on Tuesday I had an utter meltdown and started spiraling down into crisis. I wanted to quit my antipsychotic because, I believed, it made me dull. At that point, however, I was quite irritable. I ended up self-injuring on early Friday morning after a sleepless night. At that point, I realized this pattern of mood lability is very common for me, repeating itself roughly once a month.

I had asked the staff to schedule an appointment with my psych doctor because of my wanting to quit my antipsychotic. However, between me asking to get an appointmnet and the actual appointment, I had this realization I described above. I decided to discuss this with my doctor and she suggested I enlist the help of my named nurse in adapting my crisis prevention plan to acknowledge this longer-lasting pattern. The current version has it look like I melt down out of the blue. She also suggested I may’ve done just a little too much during that four to five days of increased productivity. Many people with mood disorders and borderline personality disorder cope with their affective lability by acting opposite to how they feel. For example, when depressed, they drag themselves out of bed and do something. When they feel elated, on the other hand, it’s time to wind down.

Because I also have a very poor sleep/wake cycle, the doctor suggested I try a sleeping pill for a bit to help me get to sleep at night. Of course, this means I do need to stay up during the day as well. I have now gotten Restoril, a benzodiazepine sleeping pill, as-needed for a week, to be evaluated next week. I tend to develop tolerance to benzos very rapidly. To get me back in sync, I agreed with my named nurse that I’d be taking the medication for three nights and see how I do on Monday. Last night, I got okay but not great sleep.

I hope I will be back to stable soon. I hope this state of stable means I still have some of the creativity I have during my elated moments.

Because I am not too inspired to blog lately, I decided to participate in Word of the Week again. I contemplated for a bit what word to choose for this week, and I’m settling on “mood”. After all, this refers to my affective lability as well as my realization of it.

The Reading Residence
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Rest #WotW

Last week, I was going to choose “sick” or “flu” as my word of the week. I was, after all, sick with the flu. To be honest, I’ve never been this ill as far as I remember. It doesn’t say much, as I hardly ever get ill, but really, this was bad. I “only” ran a fever for four days, but the shortness of breath and exhaustion were a lot worse than the fever. Actually, when I ran a low-grade fever, I felt worse than when I ran a higher fever.

The fever went away last week Friday, but it took me the whole week-end plus Monday and Tuesday before I had enough energy to spend considerable time on the computer. I wrote a few short blog posts for my Dutch blog, but didn’t have much energy for a real post.

This week, my word for the week is “rest”, because that is what I’ve been doing most of the week. I did try to keep some sembleance of a circadian rythm, though today I slept in till 11:30 AM.

I am still a little hoarse and coughy, but the exhaustion seems to have gone back to pre-flu levels. That means it’s still there to an extent.

I found out last week that I had deficiencies in iron, vitamin B12 and vitamin D. I’m now taking iron tablets, getting vitamin D drops once a week and a shot of vitamin B12 twice a week. I hope that this will help me feel less fatigued. Today is the first day in several weeks that I’m not going to bed right after getting my night meds. Then again, I hope to get enough rest tonight anyway.

The Reading Residence

Night #WotW

It’s another sleepless night. Tonight, I’m thinking over whether to transfer the two domains I own, which are both registered with different providers, to one. A third one, that is, because both of my current providers have problems. The one I use for this blog is fine as long as I don’t need to change anything, but it requires a shitload of information if you haven’t memorized your password and you do want to make changes.

The one I use for my E-mail, I just came up with like four reasons to transfer it:


  1. I don’t need 7500MB of space and 75GB of data for just my E-mail and I don’t want to pay for it either. While the hosting isn’t terribly expensive for what they offer, the 7500MB/75GB package is their only product. I could pay a third of the price for a small package at where I want to move to.

  2. Either they or I screwed up the control panel. Not that I did anything to it, but half of the functions that are supposed to be in there, including installing applications, are hidden far away. Their application installer is rather unusual too, so I keep getting errors when trying to install apps. Could be because I’ve been playing with apps through FTP (because again the installer wouldn’t work) when I still used FTP. Which, by the way, I won’t be using again unless anyone can recommend a good FTP client that isn’t loaded with junkware. I just screwed up my computer with a used-to-be-trusted client. But I digress. The hosting provider I want to move to, has INstallatron as their installer, which is basically standard stuff. So if I want to build a site anyway, I could.

  3. I keep getting certification errors when trying to log in to DirectAdmin. This could be normal, but I don’t trust this.

  4. Most importantly for my current usage of this package, I hate their extensive spam filter. It’s a spam filter that sits before the server, so you don’t get to even see your spam messages if you want to. This has led to E-mail from several forums and social networking sites not getting through. I could disalble the thing as it isn’t a standard feature, but their basic spam filter is really hard to work. I don’t know of course whether another provider has a better spam filter. What I’d look for is something where you can just click a button on an E-mail message to mark it as spam and it learns this way.

Then this whole thought led me to thinking of self-hosting my blog too. I don’t know whether that’d be much harder than working WordPress.com, and in fact I have some experience self-hosting a blog that went pretty smoothly (though no-one ever visited and I only had it for like a week or two). Both the good thing and the bad thing is that it allows for more customization. It’s good because, if it works, I can set up more functionality and usability. It’s bad because, if it doesn’t work, I might (or more likely will) just screw up my blog. At least this way I will avoid getting “you should self-host” as an answer to all my WordPress questions in blogging groups. As a side note, even if I don’t end up choosing to self-host, I may want to move my domain name because at my current provider I pay like E22,50 a year whereas it’s E7,99 elsewhere.

I don’t know why these thoughts keep me awake. Last Wednesday, it was trying to find a good private journaling site after all software I tried, even the one that could’ve been great, failed to meet my expectations. I haven’t yet made up my mind on that one.

Technology isn’t the only thing keeping me up at night. Another thing is just a terribly melancholic mood. This evening, I joined some Dutch preemie parent groups. The members have been very supportive, but I keep rewriting my words just to make sure I don’t sound like I’m bashing my parents. Apparently I did with last Monday’s post. After writing that one, I also couldn’t sleep much at all.

As a result of both the technological and emotional navel-gazing, my circadian rythm has been pretty non-circadian lately. I end up sleeping at the weirdest of moments and at least staying up most nights. I am therefore choosing “night” as my word of the week.

The Reading Residence