I’m feeling a little tense and wanting to write, but at the same time lacking inspiration. I thought therefore that I’d participate in #Thelist (formerly #Mumslist) again and wrap up my week.
- Had my last meeting with my now former psychologist. Haven’t yet gotten an appointment with the new one. At this last meeting, we discussed the paperwork to be sent to Leo Kanner House, a national autism agency, for a consultation. My psychologist read me the referral letter and sent me my current treatment plan for review.
- The treatment plan was okay, though I felt a little awkward about all the things I “can’t” or need help with. The one thing I disagreed with was the seclusion policy. It said that I could be asked to go into seclusion if I am a significant nuisance to others (eg. screaming, slamming doors, etc.). In reality, I usually ask for seclusion for my own safety when I’m having suicidal thoughts or self-harm issues. I asked my psychologist to bring policy in line with reality. Was at first stressed out because my named nurse said she’d asked my psychologist the same and then she’d refused. Thankfully, the psychologist sent me a nice E-mail saying more or less “sure, will do”.
- Had art therapy yesterday and finished making an art doll for a mixed media swap. It’s made out of mostly “useless” materials. I have to send it out one of these days as the deadline for getting it in my partner’s hands is October 1. No picture yet as my art therapist can’t access her E-mail.
I saw the dietician for the last time today. I’ve been trying to lose weight for months, but unsuccessfully so. Our agreement was that I’d stop going if I’d gained weight since the last appointment. Though I’d lost 1.2kg (not much for a three-week period), we decided to call it quits anyway. Our agreements are:
- Focus more on exercise rather than mostly on eating, since I can’t seem to control my overeating.
- Ask the nurses for help more when I’m stressed instead of going on a food haul. Someone need to accompany me to the store anyway so I may be able to switch my request to go to the store and buy candy over to a request for help regulating my stress.
- Get weighed by the nurses once a month to make sure I’m keeping my weight stable. I’ll be weighed every first of the month so we have a base weight on Wednesday.
Reading, Writing, Blogging
- Haven’t been blogging much and haven’t been content with my posts.
- Did read and write a review of Working the Double Shift by Christine Motokane. Am somewhat content with my review and as I said then, loved the book.
- Found out about the Typed Words, Loud Voices book project today and submitted a contribution. I’ve been asked either directly or indirectly to write for anthologies two other times, but this is the first time I actually submitted something. Fingers crossed that it’ll be accepted
It’s been a week full of appointments. I saw my psychologist on Wednesday. She is leaving in a month, so she introduced me to my new psychologist, whom I’d already met informally a few times. I also saw the pastor on Friday. We had a good talk.
I also saw the dietician on Friday, which inspires me to choose a word of the week: food. The week has been rather difficult with regards to my eating habits. While I had only one or two real binges, I did overeat a lot. As I said, I saw the dietician on Friday and discovered that I’d gained over 1 1/2 kg in six weeks. I’m now at my heaviest weight that I’ve ever been at.
I spoke to the dietician about my eating habits, and we mutually concluded that I may not be truly motivated for change. I do talk recovery a lot here on the blog, but at the same time, I still overeat and continue gaining weight. We decided that if I’ve gained more weight by the next time I see the dietician in three wjeeks, we will call it quits because seeing her is a waste of both our time.
I was determined not to buy candy and to eat healthfully from then on, but when my husband called to ask if I wanted to go eat out with his parents, I couldn’t say “No” either. All of us except for my mother-in-law ended up ordering a three-course meal. I didn’t really feel hungry after the main course, but couldn’t resist the urge to order a dessert anyway.
Today was an okay day in the eating department. I did eat a rather large brunch at around 11:30, but other than that only ate a microwaved meal in the evening and a few slices of raisin bread. I just checked the calories, and this is at the low end of what I need on a daily basis, and I’m not hungry now. Then again, overeating isn’t about hunger. I’m really hoping I can continue enjoying food without bingeing on it or overeating in general. Enjoying food and overeating are really contradictory, but I have a hard time realizing this.
My birthday is over. Now I’m 28 and it’s back to normal life I guess. The entire week was really largely about my birthday and the memories it triggers for me. That’s why I’m linking up with Word of the Week with my word for this week being “birthday”.
I wrote already earlier this week that it’s 28 years since I entered the world and the neonatal intensive care unit. When they came to visit today, my parents gave me a CD by Jan Henk de Groot with music on it about the singer’s son, who spent a large part of his first year in hospital because of a birth defect. My mother said it’s appropriate, and I agree. Incidentally, a few days ago I saw there’s a group for PTSD related to NICU experience on Facebook. It’s for parents, of course, and, while I applied, I may’ve been denied.
My sister already visited last week and brought some nice presents: a T-shirt, storage bins and bottles. The bins were intended for herbal tea, but I stored cereal in one of them, then the bin fell from a shelf and my entire floor was covered in cereal. The bottles are for blending massage oils or lotions in. I have a collection of essential oils already and got sweet almond oil, which is a carrier oil, from my sister, too. In addition to the CD, my parents gave me a nice collection of glass beads for my jewelry-making.
My birthday itself was largely a day like any other. At the acitivity room, I made a collage with butterflies, hearts and flowers, which are both things that make me happy and symbolize things I wish for myself for the coming year: love, transformation and bloom. My husband came at 3:30 PM to pick me up and drive us to the city, where we went shoppping for a skirt for me and went to eat out. I can judge from the skirt size that I’ve gained a lot of weight lately. Not good. I really need to look back at my theme for this year, which was self-care, and make sure I start eating more healthfully. Tomorrow.