Tag Archives: Validation

Scarred

Scarred. It can mean so many things. We can have scars on our bodies and on our souls. Sometimes, the scars on our bodies reflect the scars on our souls. Such is the case with self-harm scars.

I started self-harmign when I was very young. I don’t even remember when I started, but my maternal grandma asked when I was about ten wheter I still banged my head at night. I didn’t, but apparently I’d done this for a long time when I was younger. This is seen as a typically autistic way of self-harming.

When I was older, I started biting myself. My sister and I would sometimes bite each other when in a fihgt – usually I’d bite her more than she’d bite me. I also remember using hand-biting sometimes as a way to manipulate. Hand-biting is typically autistic too, although using it to manipulate is not. This could be related to my pathological demand avoidance traits.

I started cutting when I was sixteen. I vividly remember the first incident. It never got severe – most likely because I don’t have the tools to make severe cuts -, so my scars are relatively small. My biggest self-harm scar is on my leg from an incident last year.

The first time I was confronted with my self-harm scars, was when a staff member at the independence trainign home I lived in at the time, asked me about a slight scar on my hand. I didn’t want to talk about it, fearing that if I disclosed my self-harm, I’d be kicked out of the home.

Self-harm had multiple functions for me. The manipulative function is possibly still there subconsciously, but I also use self-harm to cope with strong emotions that are common in people with borderline personality disorder. Self-harm by the way wasn’t the main reason I was diagnosed with BPD.

As I said, self-harm has many causes. It can be used to express pain, as is often the case for me, but many people also hide their self-harm. If a person does it “for attention”, as it’s commonly called when someone self-harms to express emotions, that doesn’t mean they’re fake. Their (and my!) pain is real, only they have probably learned that the only way to express it is through self-injury. Ignoring people or suspending them from help, as happens in some therapy programs, is only going to be counterproductive and especially harmful if the person hasn’t learned more effective ways of expressing their pain. They need validation especially badly, because the very reason they started self-harming “for attention” is the lack of attention they and their pain got in the past.

Even those who self-harm “for attention” may feel self-conscious about their scars. I am fortunate not to have any too obvious self-harm scars, but I do know what it is like to be questioned about your scarred body. I, after all, have a scar on my belly at one end of the shunt I have because I had hydrocephalus as an infant. Children sometimes said I had a second belly button. When I was at one point worried that my shunt had malfunctioned, my parents also offhandly asked whether I could get the scar beautified if I was going to need to see someone about my shunt anyway. My husband, fortunately, has never made a problem out of my scar. I don’t even think he’s ever commented on it except when I asked him about it.

I am not particularly proud of my scarred self, but I don’t feel bad about it either. In November, I took part in a self-harm event which was being filmed for a documentary series. I don’t have time to go to the preview and most likely won’t watch the series as it airs either, so I won’t know whether I’m in it. If I am, I don’t mind. I don’t show off my scars, but I’m open to educate people about them and their cause.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Mami 2 Five

 

First Step in Healing the Inner Baby

When I still had the diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder, my inner children came out relatively often to people I know. This is not common with DID I’m told, and was probably one reason for people not to believe me. I now have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and, while the inner children are still there, I keep them in hiding. I tend to believe that only the adult me is allowed to be out in the body.

This belief, however, is counterproductive to healing. When we want to heal, we need to acknowledge all parts of ourselves. We also need to validate our experiences. I strongly disagree with the idea, which is how my therapist used to word her inner child theory, that only the abandoned inner child should be allowed to come out because the rest are there to mask her. I consider my angry innenr child as important, and I for one don’t have a critical parent insider – all insiders are part of me.

Trust is the first step in healing your inner child(ren). They need to know that you will be there for them. In this step, I achieved something important in art therapy last Thursday. One of my inner children is the “mini baby”, a preemie in an incubator. She isn’t really active in the outside world, but I sense her. For clarity’s sake, while some people with DID have baby alters who hold traumatic memories, I don’t believe the mini baby is like this; she seems to be more a symbol for my early experiences.

Anyway, in art therapy, I created a baby out of clay and made a crib for her out of a cardboard box with fabric and fake fur bedding. Like I said, the inner baby isn’t a typical alter, so the symbolism was enough. It was more of a gesture to myself and my actual inner child alters to let them know I can be trusted and they will be cared for.

The second step is validation. I’m not sure I really need to validate the inner baby, since like I said she’s not a real alter. I mean, some people with DID give their inner babies pacifiers. I won’t do this. What I do feel that I need to acknowledge, is the fact that I was wounded from the beginning on. I don’t mean this to pass judgment on my family or the hospital staff. I was probably well cared for and had more interaction with my parents than many preemies from earlier generations or whose parents lived farther from the hospital. What I want to say is that, as much as families and hospitals try to prevent this, a NICU stay can entail a form of attachment loss and can, depending on the baby’s temperament, be traumatic. For now, the symbolism of the ceramic baby in the crib helped all of me.

Finding Answers in Disability Limbo

A few months ago, I wrote a post about my need to belong somewhere within the disability community and my possibly intruding upon communities I don’t belong to. One such community is that for brain injury patients. As far as I was concerned, “brain injury” was always followed by “sustained after birth” or preceded by “traumatic” or “acquired”. Yet brain injury can occur at birth too. Only then it’s not called brain injury, right?

Since my autism diagnosis is being questioned again, I’m feeling an increased need to figure out what exactly is wrong with me. In part, this entails putting a name to what I have. Are my motor deficits diagnosable as dyspraxia, mild cerebral palsy, or are they not diagnosable at all? Am I autistic or not? Then again, putting a name to my disabilities is but one of my quests. As I’ve experienced, most communities are open to those with an uncertain diagnosis, so it’s not that I need to have a diagnosis to fit in with a support group.

Back when I was diagnosed with autism, I didn’t want a specific ASD diagnosis. The psychologist, who ultimately gave me an Asperger’s diagnosis anyway, said he wanted to do an assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. I don’t know whether a quick DSM-IV interview amounts to that, but to me, a lot of questions remain unanswered.

It could be my slight neuropsychology obsession, but I want to know why I have issues I do have. I want to understand, in a way, why I can’t function at the level I’m supposed to given my intelligence and verbal abilities. Is it normal to be unable to load the dishwasher but able to write a lengthy blog post? I don’t think a diagnosis, whether it’s autism or brain injury, will answer this question per se, but what will? It is most likely that I have quite bad executive dysfunction, but can this at all be validated? Should it?

It isn’t purely that I’m overanalytical and want to understand my every bit of brain function. It’s more that I’m struggling terribly with being seen as more “high-functioning” than I am in daily life. Not that I want to reinforce the stereotypes surrounding the Asperger’s diagnosis, but my mere existence won’t defeat them either, and I’m sick and tired of having to prove myself.