Welcome to day 12 in the #AoZChallenge of random reflections. Today once again I don’t know what to write about. I write this post at past 9PM on April 13 and am deciding what to write on as I go. I looked at the A to Z of me I wrote in 2015 and saw “linguistics” as my letter L word. This was my college major for the two months I studied at university in Nijmegen in 2007. Now I don’t know what to write about linguistics, so instead I’m going to write about the things I at one point considered majoring in. This may be going to be a long list, LOL.
1. Mathematics. When I was about eleven, I decided I wanted to become a mathematician. I barely knew math beyond calculus, but I liked that aspect so assumed I’d like everything about math.
2. Dutch. When I was in junior high school, I wanted to become a linguist, but I didn’t know the word, so I thought I’d become a Dutch major.
3. English. UPon high school graduation, I decided I wanted to study English, and specifically American studies. In Nijmegen, you could choose from your first year on to learn American rather than British English. I had a dream in which I’d go to America in my third year of university and never return.
4. Psychology. I really wanted to major in psychology, but my parents had a problem with psychologists, so I never took that step. I did major in applied psychology for a year at college when I was 20, but only passed communication skills because the instructor cut me some slack. I took psychology classes at Open University again while in the mental hospital.
5. Linguistics. I ultimately decided to major in linguistics at university. I was obviously still mostly interested in psycholinguistics and thought I might be able to enter the speech and language pathology program when I’d be a graduate student. I never made it that far, obviously.
A few days ago, I came across Corinne Rodrigues’ post on The Gratitude Diaries. She wrote this post for her monthly Gratitude Circle and included a gratitude list. Now I know I already did a gratitude list last week, but there’s much more to be grateful for. In this post, I am going to share both things I am grateful for this week and things I’ve been grateful for in general./P>
This week has been pretty good. I didn’t have a lot of energy and have had some health symptoms once again, but other than that, I enjoyed the week. Here are some things I’ve been gratefulf or this week.
- I bought two lovely shower gels online. One has a vanilla/coconut smell and the other has a vanilla/honey smell. Can you tell I love vanilla? I have been enjoying using both.
- Speaking of showers, I finally got used to the shower at my husband’s and my apartment. We have a thermostat in the institution but don’t in our apartment, so getting the temperature of the water right is a pain. I think I finally figured it out though. I still much prefer a thermostat and haven’t gotten the idea that I want one for our apartment out of my head yet.
- When I bought the shower gels, I also bought a fruity facial mask. I haven’t yet used it, because I have yet to ask someone to read the instructions for me.
- I found out about FutureLearn by the UK’s Open University and have enjoyed looking at all the free courses they have available. I signed up for one about the science of nutrition, but haven’t yet come far in it.
- I have been crocheting at art therapy this week. I used very thick yarn and a huge needle, which helped me feel my way through the project. I created a a flowery type of thing.
- I finally got down to buying some new nightwear on Friday. My husband joked that I must like one of the nightgowns, which has “I LOVE SLEEPING” on its front.
- I went to our apartment Friday till Saturday. Because I was not feeling very well, my husband went grocery shopping alone. This was the first time that I’d been alone in the apartment since we rented it in 2012. I was fine. Grocery shopping took just over half an hour only, but it’s a start.
- Barry, one of our cats, who is quite a bit of a loner, was showing affection to me on Friday. He tolerates being petted by and shows affection towards my husband, but he rarely did so to me. It was so cute!
- I had a good meeting with my psychologist on Wendesday. Though not much came from it yet, she’s trying to get informed about my options for outpatient treatment for once I go live with my husband.
This list signifies many things that I’m grateful for in general. For example, I am grateful for our two cats, Harry and Barry, who are way cute (though they can be annoying at times).
I am grateful for the things I can do as well. I’ve been quite productive in the blogging department lately and plan on participatng in an 31-day blogging challenge in October. I am grateful for my ability to be creative, for example my relative success at crocheting in art therapy.
Lastly, I’m just grateful for life in general. I have a great husband, a nice circle of relatives, good staff and a nice apartment. Despite some financial disappointments lately, I’ve been able to make ends meet this month too.
It’s July 1, so let me look back on the month of June and the goals I had for it. I will also create new goals for this month.
My first goal was to start my health psychology course and study for at least a few hours each week. Didn’t reach that goal as I am a terrible procrastinator and didn’t get to go to the educational department until mid-June. Then on my first time going there, my digital talking book player wouldn’t work, so I had to go back to the ward. I’ve been studying some last week but am not progressing nearly as fast as I’d like to.
Then I had some health goals. I did an okay job on these. I didn’t do yoga as often as I’d planned but did work out on the elliptical trainer. My husband didn’t give me weights for my birthday as he thought I wasn’t going to use them anyway. Need to buy some this month, because I did get some exercises which I can do with weights. I started physical therapy for getting fitter and have been practising quite a bit inbetween sessions.
As for my weight, I did lose almost 2kg, but it wasn’t in a healthy way. I’ve started to slip back into disordered eating behaviors, mostly purging. I did write a pro/con list on my eating disorder, but found way more pros than cons. Like, I know purging isn’t good for your health in the long run, but well, who cares? Well, yeah, I do, kind of. I don’t know for sure that the purging caused my weight loss, as I’ve paradoxically been bingeing less too. That’s kind of a blessing in disguise.
Lastly, my goals were to read more inspiring writing and to nurture my creativity. I’ve accomplished both of these goals. I didn’t nurture my writing spirit, but I did craft a lot, mostly jewelry-making. I got a lot of beads for my birthday and am loving creating with them.
Now, let me set some July goals.
- Lose 1kg in a healthy way.
- Stop purging.
- Work out three times each week.
- Buy weights and learn to use them.
- Study for at least three hours each week.
- Nurture my writing spirit.
- Read a lot.
Overall, I hope July will be a better month in the goal-reaching department than June was. Have a great month!
While looking at link-ups recommended by the women of the SITS Girls Facebook group, I came across the Pour your Heart Out linky by Shell from Things I Can’t Say. Shell has a great blog. Last week, she wrote a post for the linky entitled Do Your “It”. The message in her post was clear: follow your dreams. Don’t let yourself be held back by people who say that you can’t.
I immediately thought about my post about crafting. I have often been told that I shouldn’t try my hand at crafting, but I did, and, though I’m not particulalry successful, I enjoy it.
On the other hand, I’ve also often been told what I can do. People have told me that I can go to university and become a successful scientist if I stick to the right field. Yet I don’t want to become a scientist. I want to write and craft.
I have been overburdened at least as much as I’ve been underestimated. This is equally discouraging. When you fail time and time again despite being told that you “can”, you feel like a failure. At least I did. It often makes me eager to listen to the people who say that I “can’t”. At least I don’t disappoint them if I don’t try. Yet I disappoint myself.
One of Shell’s commandments is to follow your heart. I do this, or at least I try. I still have dreams that I feel kept from following because of the people who say that I can’t. Following a writing course, for example. I still have dreams that I do not follow because I’ve been pushed too hard in the past and failed, and now I believe I can’t. Finishing my intro to psychology course, for example. Yet this is not as strong a dream as it is an expectation. Really, I’m not too sure what following my heart entails, given all the “cans” and “can’ts” from the outside.