Tag Archives: Overdose

Succumb

I often feel like I want to succumb. Especially in the weeks after my first overdose last July, and again now, I find a form of peace and comfort in the thought that I could do it again. Note that I don’t want to die and the fact that apparently I could have died, makes these thoughts scary at the same time. I still envision myself coming out of a possible suicide attempt alive each time. It’s really hard to imagine anything else, as, you know, when I’m dead, there’s no longer me, so nothing to imagine for me. I mean, yes, I sometimes imagine what my funeral will be like, but the very fact that I can imagine it, means I’m alive.

I rationally know, these two times that I did something that could’ve cost me my life, that quite frankly there’s nothing positive about this. I mean, at the end of the day, each time, I still returned to my life as it was before my overdose. I didn’t even want to be taken to the psych unit and there was no need for it either.

How different were these events from my major crisis of 2007? At the time, I didn’t even take any actions that could’ve cost me my life – I just threatened suicide. However, I badly wanted, needed even, to escape the life I was in at the time. This was effective, as I went into the mental hospital and didn’t leave institutional life for almost a decade. Now I’m in the community again and it’s proving hard, but I must say, not as hard as I’d expected it to be. If things had gone as I expected them to, I would’ve been in chronic crisis mode. I’m not now. I don’t make any plans to end it all. Not that I did so back then, but I did run away from my home each day for a week before I finally crashed and threatened suicide.

I don’t know what makes my current thoughts that I can, if I want to, take my life any less serious than the thoughts I had back in 2007. After all, I did have these thoughts for several months following my crisis. Still, they feel less serious now. Is it because now, I don’t dramatically over-express them (unless this blog post counts)? Is it because, other than having these thoughts and being in a pretty depressed mood, I still go about my business as usual? Then again, I did most of the things I had to in 2007 too, up to taking an exam at university three days before being hospitalized.

I think honestly, the difference is that, back then, I was over-emotional, whereas now, I am under-emotional. Back then, I experienced and expressed quite intense emotions, whereas now, if anything at all, I feel numb.

I don’t know whether this is better or worse. I have a feeling that it is less serious, as I’m not emotionally dysregulated like I was back then. I don’t go about having public screaming and crying fits. I barely go about expressing myself at all, unless again this blog post counts. I don’t go about making suicide threats to random people. I don’t even know what I want to avoid or achieve anymore. As such, I don’t make any actual suicide plans, but I don’t know whether I care if I died right now either.

This post is linked up with The Daily Post’s prompt for today: sucuumb.

Self-Destructive

So #Write31Days didn’t work out, but not because I couldn’t be motivated to write. The reason was that, on Wednesday, I landed in crisis, took an overdose of medication and had to be taken to the hospital. I spent the night on the internal medicine ward and was medically cleared the following day. However, it took till around 5PM before I could see the consulting psychiatrist. She was a nice woman. I knew her nurse from the other time I’d taken an overdose last July. Nothing much has yet been decided, as the psychiatrist will speak to my CPN on Monday, but I was cleared to go home.

Today, I want to talk about harmful and self-destructive behavior as it happens in various mental disorders. Particularly, I want to relate it to what I assume are my current diagnoses: autism spectrum disorder and borderline personality disorder. Unlike what many people believe, the reasons for harmful behaviors are not either fully due to autism or fully due to BPD.

In autism, self-injury and aggression are common, but are seen as steretypical behaviors. For example, some autistics hit themselves as a form of self-stimulation. However, there is a common behaviorist phrase that says all behavior is communication. As such, autistics often also engage in self-injurious behavior to communicate pain, overload or frustration.

Here is where the lines between autism and BPD become blurry. After all, unlike what is commonly believed, borderlines don’t self-destruct “for attention” or “to manipulate”. Most self-harm to deal with strong emotions that they perceive as overwhelming. Whether these emotions come from within the person themself (as is often the case in BPD) or from external sources of frustration, may seem to be important, but it isn’t. A situation doesn’t make you self-destruct, after all. It’s each person’s choice, within the limits of their mind’s capacity at that particular point.

The reason I took an overdose on Wednesday, isn’t fully clear to me either. I do remember feeling sensorially overloaded with cold. I tried to warm up by going on the elliptical trainer. After all, I needed my exercise too, as I hadn’t worked out all week. I couldn’t find my sneakers or my sports clothes, so I tried for a bit to work out in my regular clohes, except for my vest. I was shivering though and this overloaded me even more. From that point, I don’t rmemeber much. I was feeling rather unreal, though I must’ve had some awareness of what I was doing, as I retrieved medications from various sources. Once the first pill bottle, which was the easiest to find, was down, I didn’t feel there was a way back.

So is this typical borderline behavior? Yes, in that it’s not stereotyped and was rather purposeful. It certainly wasn’t the stereotypical “cry for help” type of BPD behavior though. I didn’t want to call the out-of-hours GP and I had zero interest in being admitted to a mental hospital. I do think I need some more guidance, but not in the sense of somemone providing me emotional nurture.

In the sense of what caused it, it’s more autistic sensory overload and difficulty handling unexpected situations and frustrations. The help I requested when talking to the consulting psychiatrist was of such nature: I need some practical guidance on getting more structure in my day and dealing with unexpected situations. It may be my home support worker could provide this, or I may need my nurse from the assertive community treatment team for this. I also remember just now having discussed with my nurse a prescription phone call. This means that you can call (usually I think a max number of times a week or month) to a psych unit for support if you’re about to go into crisis. I will ask my CPN about this.