Tag Archives: Motherhood

By This Time in Life…

Last week, the Finish the Sentence Friday prompt was: “I thought that by this time in life, I’d…” I discovered it on Thursday already but was busy all week-end traveling to my parents, being at their house and attending a concert and then traveling back. I can’t link up my post anymore, but that doesn’t keep me from writing about the topic.

I have written many posts about my dreams for my adult life. When I was a young teen, I dreamt that by the time I turned thirty, I’d have completed my Master’s degree, gotten a steady job as a high school teacher and become a Mom of three (technically four, because in my dreams one pregnancy would always be with twins). Obviously, this was before the economic meltdown, because I dreamt of being a teacher within a year of earning my Master’s degree. Interestingly, though obviously these three or four children had a Dad, I never imagined meeting the man of my dreams.

Obviously, these dreams were unrealistic, though I held onto some version of them till I landed in a psychiatric crisis and had to be hospitalized. It is once again strange that, even though I met my now husband before being hospitalized, I just thought I’d meet someone “someday” and was busier with thinking up my career than thinking up relationships.

Later on, I adjusted to the idea that I would never be a high school teacher, speech-language pathologist, or anything earning me money. I did enter a relationship and get married. Still, I had and to some degree still have a hard time fitting in that one success into my life story. I love my husband and am hopefully going to live with him this summer. Still, once I landed in a psychiatric crisis, I abandoned all my dreams and replaced them with the idea that I’d be in residential care for the rest of my life.

I seriously need to let go of this idea that, if my dreams of a college degree, a job and a child or four can’t come true, I can’t get any sort of meaningful life. Maybe I can’t have the life I imagined for myself. Maybe I won’t ever live in the United States – because that was another dream of mine. I can however have a life with my husband and our two cats in our nice home in the tiny village here in the Netherlands. I really need to work towards that goal.

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Disability and Childlessness: It’s Complicated

I am disabled. I am childless. For a long while, I identified as childless by choice. In a way, it is a choice, because I do not experience reproductive problems that I know of. In another way, it’s not a choice, because I would’ve wanted to be a parent. I’m not “childfree”. I am disabled, and this has influenced my decision to remain childless. That doesn’t make it not a decision, but it makes the decision tougher than had I truly been childfree.

On Musings of an Aspie, there’s a post on honoring your choices as an autistic woman (or man). It is a postscript to the autistic motherhood series on the Autism Women’s Network. The post concludes that older autistic parents have a responsibility to share what they’ve learned with the younger generation of autistics. This, in my opinion, goes for autistic childless people too. As autistics, we often feel left out, and it’s important to have people whose experiences we can relate to who are older than us and can share with us what they’ve learned. Likewise, we need to be mentoring the even younger generations.

I find it extremely hard to connect to people with whom I have enough in common that we can share our knwoledge and experiences and support each other this way. This may be because I have multiple disabilities. The Internet has opened a world for me, but when, with this current blog, I began to spread my wings outside of the disability blogosphere, it also amplified my differences. It may be just me, but I see Mom bloggers everywhere.

Childlessness, like disability, is a minority status. And now that childlessness is no longer the only way for disabled women, it adds up to someone’s otherness. I’m not saying that childlessness should be the norm again for disabled women. What I do want to say is that it’s still a reality for a lot of disabled women (and men), and that it’s often still a painful reality that is complicated by prejudice and stimma both surrounding disability and childlessness. I do understand that the assumption that disabled people are childless by default, needs to be challenged, but this assumption should not be replaced with additional stigma for the person who finds their disability actually does make it impossible for them to become a parent.

Missing Out on Motherhood

I posted about this several times before on my other blog, but am going to write about it again. I miss being a mother. This may seem strange, because I choose not to have children. Oh well, circumstances wouldn’t allow me to have kids, but I still consider myself childless by choice.

What I actually miss, is not having a wee one run around my house bawling, but having the privileges that motherhood awards. Of course, you can’t have the privileges without the hardships, so I don’t mean to say that mothering is all rose-colored. What I do mean, is that there are a lot of privileges in our society for mothers. I can’t explain this I’m afraid, but I feel like, well, it’s assumed that every woman over a certain age (thank goodness not yet my age) is a mother.

Maybe, then, it’s not so much the material privileges I miss, but the sense of identity motherhood awards you. Women-focused magazines, websites etc. are 90% mother-focused. It makes me feel like I’m missing out on something.

I must confess, I have at one point, under the name of my motherly part, joined mothering communities that don’t say they are exclusively for Moms. This may not be appropriate, like my at one point having joined a teen forum without saying my age is not appropriate. IN fact, I only benefit from being female here or I’d be seen as a pedophile.

It seems like maybe what I miss is having that part of an identity that is not disordered. There’s little out there for twentysomethings, maybe because they dominate the Internet, so I can’t really consider that identity-shaping. Other than that, I have womanhood – but as I said, 90% of being a woman is being a Mom -, and I have my various disability statuses. I don’t want to be a minority person in every aspect of my life.