Tag Archives: Mood

Considering Getting a Psychiatrist’s Appointment on My Depressed Mood

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my community psychiatric nurse (CPN). Part of our appointment will likely be about where to go from here regarding day activities. My CPN already E-mailed me that she’d contacted the Center for Consultation and Expertise. They will hopefully take on my case and help me and my staff assess my needs. That will hopefully help us find a new place or get me the right support at my current place.

I also intend to ask her to get me an appointment with my psychiatrist. I feel too embarrassed to schedule one through the secretary. It’s been 3 1/2 months since my last appointment, so in that sense I could request one just for a catch-up. However, I want to discuss something specific with the psychiatrist and I feel incredibly ashamed of it. I’m finally coming to the conclusion that my depression symptoms are getting worse and to a point where I don’t know how to handle them anymore.

I was more or less by chance diagnosed with major depression last year. This came to light when I had my autism-related independent assessment. I had to fill out a screening tool for depression as part of the intake procedure. I scored as severe on that one. I was then evaluated further and was diagnosed with recurrent moderate depression. Because this was an independent assessment, my psychiatrist isn’t affiliated with this hospital and doesn’t need to take over the diagnosis. I don’t know whether she has.

I do take an antidepressant and have since 2010. Same medication, same dose all these years with no med review whatsoever. I don’t even know for sure why I was put on this medication, except that my Abilify (an antipsychotic) had been increased twice in a few months and I was still irritable.

This is the main reason I feel embarrassed about asking my psychiatrist to evaluate my mood. I mean, irritability bothers other people and ttat’s always been the main reason I was in care. Like, in 2007, when I was admitted to the mental hospital, it was really because of suicidal ideation but my staff always said it was because I’d been having public meltdowns.

I don’t know whether I truly believe that psychiatry’s job is to keep people, or me specifically, from being a pain in other people’s asses. I don’t think it should be. However, I’m rather afraid that my psychiatrist thinks so at least in my case. I’m not exactly sure why, as so far she’s been pretty understanding. I guess they may be left over feelings from all these years being treated like a cumbersome waste of resources.

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

Mood #WotW

The past few weeks have been rather hectic. I started out last week in a creative, elated and slightly impulsive mood. I spent days and nights finally reading a book I’ve been wanting to read for a while. I hardly slept at all. Needless to say, after four or five days of this mood, I was exhausted and crashed. I spent some days in bed being a bit depressed and not having much energy for anything.

Then on Tuesday I had an utter meltdown and started spiraling down into crisis. I wanted to quit my antipsychotic because, I believed, it made me dull. At that point, however, I was quite irritable. I ended up self-injuring on early Friday morning after a sleepless night. At that point, I realized this pattern of mood lability is very common for me, repeating itself roughly once a month.

I had asked the staff to schedule an appointment with my psych doctor because of my wanting to quit my antipsychotic. However, between me asking to get an appointmnet and the actual appointment, I had this realization I described above. I decided to discuss this with my doctor and she suggested I enlist the help of my named nurse in adapting my crisis prevention plan to acknowledge this longer-lasting pattern. The current version has it look like I melt down out of the blue. She also suggested I may’ve done just a little too much during that four to five days of increased productivity. Many people with mood disorders and borderline personality disorder cope with their affective lability by acting opposite to how they feel. For example, when depressed, they drag themselves out of bed and do something. When they feel elated, on the other hand, it’s time to wind down.

Because I also have a very poor sleep/wake cycle, the doctor suggested I try a sleeping pill for a bit to help me get to sleep at night. Of course, this means I do need to stay up during the day as well. I have now gotten Restoril, a benzodiazepine sleeping pill, as-needed for a week, to be evaluated next week. I tend to develop tolerance to benzos very rapidly. To get me back in sync, I agreed with my named nurse that I’d be taking the medication for three nights and see how I do on Monday. Last night, I got okay but not great sleep.

I hope I will be back to stable soon. I hope this state of stable means I still have some of the creativity I have during my elated moments.

Because I am not too inspired to blog lately, I decided to participate in Word of the Week again. I contemplated for a bit what word to choose for this week, and I’m settling on “mood”. After all, this refers to my affective lability as well as my realization of it.

The Reading Residence
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