I am disabled. I am childless. For a long while, I identified as childless by choice. In a way, it is a choice, because I do not experience reproductive problems that I know of. In another way, it’s not a choice, because I would’ve wanted to be a parent. I’m not “childfree”. I am disabled, and this has influenced my decision to remain childless. That doesn’t make it not a decision, but it makes the decision tougher than had I truly been childfree.
On Musings of an Aspie, there’s a post on honoring your choices as an autistic woman (or man). It is a postscript to the autistic motherhood series on the Autism Women’s Network. The post concludes that older autistic parents have a responsibility to share what they’ve learned with the younger generation of autistics. This, in my opinion, goes for autistic childless people too. As autistics, we often feel left out, and it’s important to have people whose experiences we can relate to who are older than us and can share with us what they’ve learned. Likewise, we need to be mentoring the even younger generations.
I find it extremely hard to connect to people with whom I have enough in common that we can share our knwoledge and experiences and support each other this way. This may be because I have multiple disabilities. The Internet has opened a world for me, but when, with this current blog, I began to spread my wings outside of the disability blogosphere, it also amplified my differences. It may be just me, but I see Mom bloggers everywhere.
Childlessness, like disability, is a minority status. And now that childlessness is no longer the only way for disabled women, it adds up to someone’s otherness. I’m not saying that childlessness should be the norm again for disabled women. What I do want to say is that it’s still a reality for a lot of disabled women (and men), and that it’s often still a painful reality that is complicated by prejudice and stimma both surrounding disability and childlessness. I do understand that the assumption that disabled people are childless by default, needs to be challenged, but this assumption should not be replaced with additional stigma for the person who finds their disability actually does make it impossible for them to become a parent.