Tag Archives: Mental Health


I often feel like I want to succumb. Especially in the weeks after my first overdose last July, and again now, I find a form of peace and comfort in the thought that I could do it again. Note that I don’t want to die and the fact that apparently I could have died, makes these thoughts scary at the same time. I still envision myself coming out of a possible suicide attempt alive each time. It’s really hard to imagine anything else, as, you know, when I’m dead, there’s no longer me, so nothing to imagine for me. I mean, yes, I sometimes imagine what my funeral will be like, but the very fact that I can imagine it, means I’m alive.

I rationally know, these two times that I did something that could’ve cost me my life, that quite frankly there’s nothing positive about this. I mean, at the end of the day, each time, I still returned to my life as it was before my overdose. I didn’t even want to be taken to the psych unit and there was no need for it either.

How different were these events from my major crisis of 2007? At the time, I didn’t even take any actions that could’ve cost me my life – I just threatened suicide. However, I badly wanted, needed even, to escape the life I was in at the time. This was effective, as I went into the mental hospital and didn’t leave institutional life for almost a decade. Now I’m in the community again and it’s proving hard, but I must say, not as hard as I’d expected it to be. If things had gone as I expected them to, I would’ve been in chronic crisis mode. I’m not now. I don’t make any plans to end it all. Not that I did so back then, but I did run away from my home each day for a week before I finally crashed and threatened suicide.

I don’t know what makes my current thoughts that I can, if I want to, take my life any less serious than the thoughts I had back in 2007. After all, I did have these thoughts for several months following my crisis. Still, they feel less serious now. Is it because now, I don’t dramatically over-express them (unless this blog post counts)? Is it because, other than having these thoughts and being in a pretty depressed mood, I still go about my business as usual? Then again, I did most of the things I had to in 2007 too, up to taking an exam at university three days before being hospitalized.

I think honestly, the difference is that, back then, I was over-emotional, whereas now, I am under-emotional. Back then, I experienced and expressed quite intense emotions, whereas now, if anything at all, I feel numb.

I don’t know whether this is better or worse. I have a feeling that it is less serious, as I’m not emotionally dysregulated like I was back then. I don’t go about having public screaming and crying fits. I barely go about expressing myself at all, unless again this blog post counts. I don’t go about making suicide threats to random people. I don’t even know what I want to avoid or achieve anymore. As such, I don’t make any actual suicide plans, but I don’t know whether I care if I died right now either.

This post is linked up with The Daily Post’s prompt for today: sucuumb.


So #Write31Days didn’t work out, but not because I couldn’t be motivated to write. The reason was that, on Wednesday, I landed in crisis, took an overdose of medication and had to be taken to the hospital. I spent the night on the internal medicine ward and was medically cleared the following day. However, it took till around 5PM before I could see the consulting psychiatrist. She was a nice woman. I knew her nurse from the other time I’d taken an overdose last July. Nothing much has yet been decided, as the psychiatrist will speak to my CPN on Monday, but I was cleared to go home.

Today, I want to talk about harmful and self-destructive behavior as it happens in various mental disorders. Particularly, I want to relate it to what I assume are my current diagnoses: autism spectrum disorder and borderline personality disorder. Unlike what many people believe, the reasons for harmful behaviors are not either fully due to autism or fully due to BPD.

In autism, self-injury and aggression are common, but are seen as steretypical behaviors. For example, some autistics hit themselves as a form of self-stimulation. However, there is a common behaviorist phrase that says all behavior is communication. As such, autistics often also engage in self-injurious behavior to communicate pain, overload or frustration.

Here is where the lines between autism and BPD become blurry. After all, unlike what is commonly believed, borderlines don’t self-destruct “for attention” or “to manipulate”. Most self-harm to deal with strong emotions that they perceive as overwhelming. Whether these emotions come from within the person themself (as is often the case in BPD) or from external sources of frustration, may seem to be important, but it isn’t. A situation doesn’t make you self-destruct, after all. It’s each person’s choice, within the limits of their mind’s capacity at that particular point.

The reason I took an overdose on Wednesday, isn’t fully clear to me either. I do remember feeling sensorially overloaded with cold. I tried to warm up by going on the elliptical trainer. After all, I needed my exercise too, as I hadn’t worked out all week. I couldn’t find my sneakers or my sports clothes, so I tried for a bit to work out in my regular clohes, except for my vest. I was shivering though and this overloaded me even more. From that point, I don’t rmemeber much. I was feeling rather unreal, though I must’ve had some awareness of what I was doing, as I retrieved medications from various sources. Once the first pill bottle, which was the easiest to find, was down, I didn’t feel there was a way back.

So is this typical borderline behavior? Yes, in that it’s not stereotyped and was rather purposeful. It certainly wasn’t the stereotypical “cry for help” type of BPD behavior though. I didn’t want to call the out-of-hours GP and I had zero interest in being admitted to a mental hospital. I do think I need some more guidance, but not in the sense of somemone providing me emotional nurture.

In the sense of what caused it, it’s more autistic sensory overload and difficulty handling unexpected situations and frustrations. The help I requested when talking to the consulting psychiatrist was of such nature: I need some practical guidance on getting more structure in my day and dealing with unexpected situations. It may be my home support worker could provide this, or I may need my nurse from the assertive community treatment team for this. I also remember just now having discussed with my nurse a prescription phone call. This means that you can call (usually I think a max number of times a week or month) to a psych unit for support if you’re about to go into crisis. I will ask my CPN about this.

Psychiatric Diagnoses I’ve Been Given

I just checked out the “30 days of mental illness awareness” challenge and was inspired to write a timeline of my mental health. Then I realized I already wrote it in 2015. Another question in the 30-day challenge though is what you’re currently diagnosed with. Seriously, I don’t know what exactly my current diagnosis is. I know what the university hospital psychologist diagnosed me with, but I am not sure the psychiatrist at my current community treatment team agrees.

I’ve had a lot of diagnoses in the past. I’ve had even more suggested diagnoses that never made it into my file. Today, I will write a list of the diagnoses I’ve had. I will comment on them too.

1. Autism spectrum disorder. I was first diagnosed with this twice in 2007, then again in 2010. I lost my diagnosis in 2016 and was rediagnosed in 2017. This is the only diagnosis I’m pretty sure of that I agree with 100%. It’s the only diagnosis that I’ve been given through a proper evaluation (several, in fact).

2. Adjustment disorder. This was my diagnosis upon admission to the mental hospital in 2007. I didn’t meet the criteria for depression or any other serious mental health condition but needed care anyway. I was at the time fine with that diagnosis and think the crisis team psychiatrist who made it, did a pretty good job of assessing me.

3. Impulse control disorder NOS. I was never told why I got this diagnosis. I just found it on my treatment plan in May 2008. Probably, it was a replacement for the adjustment disorder, which you can only have for six months once the stressor that caused it goes away. I never agreed with this diagnosis and didn’t really take it all that seriously.

4. Dissociative identity disorder. This was diagnosed in November of 2010 and was probably the most controversial diagnosis I’ve ever had. I wasn’t properly assessed for it and my psychologist at the time took what I told her almost at face value. I never believed deep down that I met the full criteria for this. I mean, yes I do have alters and I do have pretty bad dissociative symptoms sometimes, but amnesia is the exception. I find this terribly hard to admit but I do have to acknowledge this diagnosis was in part based on (self-)suggestion. I do believe, like I said, that I have some dissociative symptoms.

5. Post-traumatic stress disorder. I got this diagnosis together with the DID. I don’t really know why. I mean, yes, I did (and still do) have some symptoms, but I’m not sure I have nough and I never reported more than I actually had. I did get some assessment for this. I do currently believe I definitely do have some PTSD symptoms, particularly complex PTSD symptoms. Then again, there is a lot of overlap with borderline personality disorder traits.

6. Borderline personality disorder. This was diagnosed in 2013 and replaced DID and PTSD. It was later “downgraded” to BPD traits. I do agree I have BPD traits, but I am more the quiet borderline type.

7. Dependent personality disorder. I was given this diagnosis in 2016. Never quite agreed with it, except in the sense that I could be led to believe I had every disorder that was ever suggested to me.

8. Depression. This was diagnosed in 2017 by the university hospital psychologist. I had previously been diagnosed with depressive disorder NOS, but that, according to my psychologist, was only because a diagnosis on axis I (anything other than a personality disorder) is required for treatment. I admit I was pretty badly depressed in the months that I had my assessment at the university hospital, but am not sure it was bad enough for a diagnosis. I mean, I didn’t meet the criteria in 2007, so how could I meet them in 2017? I’m assuming my current psychiatrist removed that diagnosis.

Just One Thing

Last week, I started a journal-style blog to explore my inner world. As usual, I didn’t write in it much at all, so I’m resorting back to this blog. The reason I wanted another blog is because of the derogatory comments I’ve gotten here regarding my dissociation. No, I don’t have a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder anymore and no, I don’t claim to be DID. I do however have insiders, parts, alters or however you’d like to call them. I don’t care what people think of this, or at least, I try not to care. To reclaim myself and my experience, here I’m sharing a post I wrote last week.

Manyofus1980 from Therapy Bits posed an interesting question: if the world could understand just one thing about your mental health diagnosis, what would it be? In the post title, the question is about your “mental illness” rather than your “diagosis”. This is important to my answer, as my short answer is: my diagnosis does not dictate my experience.

I have had countless diagnoses over the years, some of which I agreed with and some of which I disputed. I don’t even know what my current diagnosis is according to my community treatment team. According to the university hospital where I got a second opinion last spring, it’s autism spectrum disorder, recurrent moderate depression and borderline personality disorder traits. Of this, I doubt the depression, because my default mood is low. Then again, I do seem to remember feeling much lower than low in the months that I had my assessment at this hospital. The thing is, I can’t usually connect my feelings from the past to the present if they’re very different.

We didn’t really go into my trauma experience, as my assessment was primarily focused on autism. However, the university hospital psychologist did recommend I get EMDR treatment for the negative experiences I had in the process of moving towards independence. I have not had a trauma-based diagnosis since 2013 and that’s fine by me. I don’t need a diagnosis to justify my experience.

I am who I am. We are who we are. We don’t fit in a diagnostic box, because, well, we’re we.

Sometimes, we feel upset that we don’t get recognition from our treatment team (as far as we know) for our traumatic and post-traumatic experiences. I had a lot of difficulty answering my psychiatrist’s questions about this during my intake interview. I mean, most of the trauma we endured, didn’t leave visible wounds. I know that dissociation can be caused by attachment issues, sometimes even too mild to create PTSD. However, there is still a common belief that only prolonged sexual or ritual abuse can create alter parts. I try not to care. We are we are we, so deal with it.

When Intense Emotions Take Over My Mind

Okay, this year’s #AtoZChallenge didn’t work out. I knew it would be tough writing about autism and related disorders when myself undergoing re-assessment for autism. It didn’t help that, from the E-mail I received on the day I posted my theme reveal, it became clear that I will not have an answer before the end of April. That wasn’t the reason I haven’t written at all since April 1 though. The real reason was my mental health.

Like I mentioned, I have been rather anxious and depressed lately. It however got extreme over the past two weeks. This likely isn’t a worsening of my depression as much as it is emotional dysregulation. That doesn’t make it less real though.

About two weeks ago, I started being more irritable and having more dark, death-related and suicidal thoughts than I had before. I had had almost-daily dark thoughts for a few months, but now they became more than daily. I also started making more concrete plans for a final step. Before then, there had been bizarre images in my head of how I’d die by crucifying myself over the staircase at home and such. These had appeared a bit laughable even to my twisted mind. Now, I started making plans and the before then bizarre-sounding thoughts didn’t seem that ridiculous anymore.

I wandered out of the house at home last week Saturday. Thankfully, my husband came back from where he’d been within aobut fifteen minutes and I was fine. Then on Sunday I had a very bad argument with my named nurse that ended in me melting down.

On Monday, I decided I’d stop taking my medication. I didn’t take my morning meds other than birth conrol and vitamin D (because I wanted to take birth control and couldn’t tell the two apart) on Tuesday. I spiraled out of control that same afternoon. This, for your information, can’t have been from withdrawal yet.

The reason I quit taking my medication was that I’d been having these dark thoughts for a while already and yet I felt I was too drugged up to express them. I don’t mean that I wanted to tell the world, like I’m doing now, but I wanted to be able to cry. And cry I did. I also felt like maybe, if I stopped taking my meds, I’d feel some kind of motivation again. I take a high dose of an antipsychotic, which admittedly the psychiatrist says can’t cause flat affect. I also take an antidepressant, but I’d forgotten why I’d been prescribed it (in 2010!) and it had never been reviewed.

Admittedly, there was also a part in me that wanted to signal to my staff that I wasn’t coping. That didn’t really work. My psychologist said that, if I wanted to be taken seriously about my mood, I needed to take my meds. Not that she’s ever taken me seriously about my mood, unless writing depression NOS into my diagnosis counts, which I don’t feel it does. She also told me that I sabotage the independent assessment if I don’t take my meds. I don’t like to admit it but that was one reason I started taking them again on Saturday. I hate to admit I give in to authoritarian manipulation, but I do.

on Wednesday, I started experiencing what I believe are brain zaps – a kind of weird dizzy spell caused by antidepressant withdrawal. I at first thought they were a side effect of a failed attempt at an overdose. They weren’t. By Friday, they occurred about every minute. I was then ready to start my antidepressant again, but wasn’t sure I could safely go back on it after five days. The nurses had to ask the on-duty doctor or some kind of head nurse or whoever and I didn’t get an answer till Saturday afternoon. Now I feel so stupid for havng bothered the nurses with this question on a week-end. I am glad for no more brain zaps though. I did also start back on the anitpsychotic. Not because I want to be on it, but because it seems I need to.

Since late Thursday evening, I’ve felt relatively well. I still experience anxiety and depression, but my emotions aren’t as out-of-control as they were before. Some things that helped were one nurse taking me on walks and allowing me to use her boxing equipment to blow off some steam. It sucks that I can’t do this at home.

Anxiety and Depression in Children With and Without Autism #AtoZChallenge

Welcome to day one on the 2017 #AtoZChallenge on neurodevelopmental disorders. I experience a great deal of anxiety around this challenge particularly because, like I said in my theme reveal post, I am currently in the re-assessment process. On the day I published my theme reveal post, I received an E-mail from the clinical neuropsychologist in charge of my second opinion answering questions I had taken to my psychological assessment. One of them concerned depression. I have suffered from depressive symptoms since childhood. I pointed this out, in a way to reassure her that depression is somewhat normal for me and hence she didn’t need to pull out the major depressive disorder criteria. A reaction i did not expect, was that depression presents itself differently in children and for this reason it might be that in fact my challenging behavior was a symptom of childhood-onset depression.

I share this story because, for today, I am focusing on anxiety and depression as they relate to autism. I will start by sharing a bit about how these conditions present themselves in typical children, as it might be I’m not autistic or suffering from any neurodevelopmental condition after all.

Depression and Anxiety in Typical Children

Depression and anxiety are serious conditions that are different from normal sadness or worry. Common symptoms in anyone with depression or anxiety include negative thoughts, excessive worrying, diffculty concentrating, feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness. Particulalrly in youg children, depression and anxiety are however hard to recognize, as they may present differently than they would in older children or adults. For example, depression may show as irritability and anger, withdrawal, vocal outbursts or crying, or physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach problems. Anxiety can also present with physical symptoms or it may show as developmental regression. Some children with anxiety disorders may become clingy, fidget a lot or go to the toilet frequently.

It may be tempting to label a child who displays disruptive behavior, such as irritability, as “naughty”. However, treating behavior related to anxiety or depression like it is willful defiance, will only make it worse. Rather, if a child shows significantly more behavoral issues than their peers, it is advised to seek professional help.

Anxiety and Depression in Autistic Children

Many of the signs of childhood anxiety and depression are common in autistic children. It may therefore be hard to tell whether a symptom is due to anxiety or depression or it is due to autsm. For example, many autistic children (and adults) fidget as a way of regulating sensory input. Treating this and other sensory difficulties as anxiety will make it worse, as treatment for anxiety might include exposure. If a sensory stimulus is physically uncomfortable or painful rather than feared, no amount of exposure will cure this.

Social withdrawal is also a common sign of both childhood anxiety and depression and autism. However, to autistic children and adults, social interaction is often overwhelming, so again, withdrawal may be a coping strategy rather than a symptom.

Interestngly, some autistics may appear less autistic when they’re depressed or anxious. This may be the case if the autistic’s normal social interaction style is “active but odd”, eg. talking on and on about a particular topic without regard for the other person. For example, I once read about a teenage boy who usually kept on talking about trains. When he stopped perseverating on this topic, his carers assumed he was doing better. After all, he was showing less socially disruptive behavior. In reality, the boy was seriously depressed. He was, for him, withdrawn and had lost interest in what used to be a favorite topic of his.

My Achievements in 2016

The year 2016 is almost over and I feel pretty disappointed. It should’ve been the year in which I finally left the mental institution, but I didn’t. I mean, I’ve been resolving to leave the hospital every single year since 2008, but this time I thought I was so close. It’s even worse, because I get blamed for not having achieved this goal. My psychologist tells me I never want to leave and that I try every single trick to delay my discharge. This to her proves my dependent personalty disorder. Well, it wasn’t me who took four months to come up with that diagnosis. It wasn’t me who still hasn’t referred me to outpatient treatment and it wasn’t because for whatever reason I blocked this – I didn’t.

In many other ways, this year has been a disappointment. Still, I need to focus on the things that I did achieve in 2016. They may not feel important to me at this point, but that is only a matter of perspective.

1. I have not been in seclusion all year. I tend to think that, because I’m supposed to leave and there’s no seclusion outside of the institution, staff are less likely to ask me to go into seclusion. There is likely some truth to this, but I also have been acting out much less over the past year than I used to. It isn’t over yet – I broke a mug and self-injured only a few days ago. It’s better though.

2. My daily medication has been stable all year. I did finally get a prescription for a benzodiazepine to use at most twice a week as-needed. I hardly need it though.

3. I managed to binge eat less than I did last year. Though I resolved to get my BMI under 30 and this was a massive fail, my weight remained stable over the year.

4. We got an elliptical trainer at home. Though I didn’t use it as regularly as I’d have liked, I enjoyed exercsing when I did.

5. I found a craft that I enjoy. This is one of my biggest wins of 2016. Though I don’t make soap or skin care products as regularly as I intended to anymore, half a year in I still enjoy the craft. I also finally felt confident enough to make soaps and skin care products for other people. I never quite felt as self-confident about my other crafts. Recently, I experienced some setbacks, in that a few soaps I made over the past few weeks turned out worse than even my first soaps. However, I’m not about to give up (yet).

6. I didn’t give up blogging, even though I was tempted. I kept up one Dutch blog from early June until now, although December was a bad month. Consistent with more posts here, as always, my posting on there declined. I’m not about to give up eithehr blog though.

In short, my theme for 2016 has been “persevere”. I faced many setbacks and disappointments, but I didn’t give up. I hope that 2017 will be better than 2016, but if it isn’t, I hope I will keep on persevering.

You Baby Me Mummy

Disappointment #WotW

This week was a lot less exciting than last week. It was really a big disappointment. That’s why I choose this as my word of the week.

On Monday, I had an okay day. I went to day activities and made a simple soap. There was only one activity staff so I had to be able to do the soaping mostly independently. The staff complimented me on the fact that I was able to be relatively independent indeed.

On Tuesday, I was supposed to leave for the potential new day activity place at 10AM. Since I got up really early, I wanted to go to day activities at my unit for a bit before the cab arrived. Unfortunately, the day activity room was closed because there was no staff available. Both of our regular staff are on vacation and apparently all subs had to work someplace else. An E-mal had been sent out notifying the nursing staff that the day activity room was closed, but only the nurses at the locked ward had received it. I was early, so my nurse went to morning report or something after dropping me off. Twenty minutes later, I panicked because no activity staff had shown up. A nurse from the locked unit came by and informed me that the day activity room was closed. Fortunately, someone was able to call my unit so that a nurse could come pick me up.

The cab arrived exactly on time and drove me to the supported employment building in the city where the day activity place is. Supported employment has largely been discontinued, so the building now houses other services, like the day activity place. The cab driver at first couldn’t find the entrance. Once he found it, I announced my arrival to the receptionist. It turned out the day activity place was in a faraway corner of the building and you had to walk through many corridors to get there. I was nearly run over by a supported employment person on a forklift truck. Those long corridors and the forklift truck gave me the impression that I would never be able to get from reception to the day activity room independently. Quite a bummer.

I arrived in a cafeteria where a large number of people were drinking coffee and chattering. I was seated by a day activity staff and we chatted some. A consumer got seated across the table from me and tried to chat me up. Not what I wanted that moment. Finally, my independent consumer advocate arrived and we got talking about what I expected out of day activities. I mentioned my new hobby of soap making, but we didn’t go into that. The staff member talked about ceramics and such. I couldn’t follow half the conversation by now, because I was overloaded.

We went to check out the actual arts room, which was quite crowded too. It was a disappointment. Next Tuesday, we’re going to have a look at a day activity place that’s part of the same organization but in another city. This place is supposed to be a little less overwhelming. I hope so.

My mother-in-law came to pick me up and offered to have lunch together. We ate a delicious chicken salad at what my husband later said was quite an expensive restaurant. My mother-in-law had gotten the idea of eating out there and I wasn’t there when she paid for us, so I won’t let myself be consumed with guilt. When she dropped me off at home, I gave her one of the goat’s milk soaps with honey that I’d made last week. She did allow me to use the pic she took, but I wasn’t able to get it off Facebook. I slept the entire afternoon.

On Weednesday, I had a meeting at home with a person from the mental health agency’s home support team. Two people came by and they hardly introduced themselves. That set the tone for the meeting. The whole meeting was one big disappointment. It turns out they can only offer two hours a week of home support and you don’t get to be able to phone someone if needed inbetween appointments. I can’t remember much else, except that they asked me how I see myself in two years’ time. I couldn’t answer that question right then and they talked about how it’s my life and I need to be able to get meaning out of it and stuff. As if I don’t know that.

Finally, they said that I might benefit from the assertive community treatment team helping me and then home support coming by twice a week to unburden assertive community treatment. I’m not sure I want anything to do with this home support team at all, given how they treated me in this meeting. They were truly all patronizing and yet telling me I need to be able to do this and that and whatever. Since my current treatment provider is already trying to get me signed up for the assertive community treatment team, I’m not interfering with that. When the people left, I was so disappointed I had destructive urges. Thankfully, I got to go back to the institution that afternoon.

Thursday and Friday went by in a blur. I only went to day activities for a short while on Thursday, because a male sub who didn’t know stuff was there. My named nurse sent an E-mail to my psychologist asking her to schedule an appointment with me. I’d done the same early that week, but still my psychologist replied that if I wanted an appointment, I could contact her. Go figure.

Altogether, this whole week was filled with smaller and bigger disappointments. I am really hoping next week is better.

The Reading Residence

A Thank You Letter to a Bus Driver

This is getting old, but I have been extremely uninspired lately. It’s like everytime I try to do blogging in Dutch again, I neglect this blog. It wasn’t even so much that I didn’t want to write, but I didn’t kow what to write about. A few days ago, however, I saw a blog post in which a person wrote a thank you letter to their genetic counselor. Other people were invited to write thank you letters to people you wouldn’t expect they’d be thankful for. This got me thinking. At first, I wanted to write a thank you letter to the psychiatrist who admitted me to hospital in 2007. While writing this letter, however, I thought of another person who was important to me that night: the bus driver who overheard me make a suicidal threat and called the police. I am writing a letter to him today.

Dear bus driver,

You may have forgotten about me. At least, I hope you have. Thhat’d mean you didn’t experience too much stress from what I did while on your bus. I haven’t forgotten about you. I don’t know your name, but I want to thank you anyway.

I was the person who threatened to kill herself while sitting on your bus on the evening of November 2, 2007. I told someone’s voicemail the details of my suicide plan. You overheard me, although a fellow passenger said you merely heard me cry. She probably just said that to quiet my mind. I heard you tell the police that you would be at the train station by 8:15 PM. By that, I judged I’d got onto the 8:01 bus at the bus stop near the training home I used to reside in. You dropped me off at the train station and the police took over and took me to the police station, where I was seen by the mental health crisis service.

I want you to know that I’m well now. I’m not fully recovered from my mental illness, but I’m a lot better than I was back then. I remembered you for years, which was causing me to find it hard to travel the bus in your city. I feared I’d run into you. Now, I know that you did your job and you did it well.

I could bore you with a long story of my mental illness and recovery, but that would probably stress you out. In case you’re wondering, however, I want you to be assured that I’m happy that I didn’t kill myself that evening. Now I know that, somewhere between the bus and where I wanted to kill myself, someone probably would’ve stepped in before I would actually be dead. However, you happened to be that person to step in. Thank you for that.


A College Memory

Last week or the week before, one of the prompts from Mama’s Losin’ It was to write about a college memory. Since just yesterday I shared on my Dutch website about studying with a mental illness, I thought i’d write about it here too. It’s been 8 1/2 years since I dropped out of university, of course. For this post, I’d like to share about my first day of university.

My first day of university was September 3, 2007. I took a ParaTransit taxi to the building where I’d have my first class. As I approached what turned out to be a large lecture hall, I was immediately overwhelmed by the huge number of students. Until that day, my idea of a large group of students was my psychology class at college, where about 35 students were in the room. I had expected the same number of students in my university classes, because only about fifteen to twenty students enroll in the linguistics program each year. Turned out the class was a combined linguitics, business communications and language and cultural studies class and there were over 200 students in attendance. I had the most spectacular meltdown right there and ran off. I don’t remember much of what happened next. I think I called my home support worker, because the team manager, who also acted as my support worker, came to pick me up. She drove me to the office of the organization I received care from. This was the first time I was in such major crisis that the team manager decided to call mental health services. She later told me I was “not crazy enough” to be admitted.

I must say here that a meltdown whilst in a lecture hall is of course not in itself a reason for a mental admission. In this sense, the mental health agency was right that I was “not crazy enough”. Maybe if they’d knwon that I had meltdown after meltdown almost on a daiy basis, they could’ve offered some help. Now back in the day my only options were an admission or no help. Today, most mental health crisis services offer more varied help.

The professor for my first class – the only class I even attempted to go to that first day – was by the way one of the most supportive people in the university. He offered to have me listen to the lectures in a room attached to the lecture hall that is often used for recording lectures. I was able to attend his classes up to the moment I landed in my final psychiatric crisis in late October. His class was also the only one I took an exam for – three days before my hospitalization. This professor was the first to notice I wasn’t at university anymore and I don’t think it was solely because he was the professor for my Mondaya morning class. The director of studies E-mailed me the Monday after midterm that said professor had been missing me in his class, so had I quit my sutdies? I didn’t read this E-mail till I was home on a visit the next month.

I don’t have the greatest experiences with accommodations for me as a mentally ill, multiply-disabled student at university. I remember being told a number of times that I had a bad attitude and “we’re not a therapy center”. Though this is true, I badly did want to continue my studies for as long as I could. This one professor was, without even talking much to me, one of a few people who kept me going. He instilled a continuing interest in language composition and univesal grammar in me.