Tag Archives: Grandma

An Eventful Week

And again I didn’t write for an entire week. The past week was rather eventful and stressful. I have been distracting mmyself by going on Tumblr and attempting to start something up there. I’ve had one Tumblr account or another ever since 2008 but never quite understood how it works and still I really don’t. However, I’m enjoying the community of mental health users there.

The reason the week was stressful was because of a lot of emotion-evoking events. First, my grandma died Saturday night. This caused a lot of emotions in me, because my grandma was the only family member I had a good relationship with. Her funeral was yesterday and it was good to see a lot of aunts, uncles and cousins I rarely see at all. The funeral service was good. My sister spoke on behalf of the grandchildren. I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the stories she told.

Another emotional event was the orientation meeting with the coordinator from the Center for Consultation and Expertise (CCE) on my situation re day activities. In attendance were the CCE coordinator, my day activities and home support staff, my mother-in-law (who acts as my informal representative), the local authority social consultant, my psychiatric nurse practitioner and me. The coordinator does the first meeting. If she decides it’s necessary, she’ll involve one or more consultants who will help find solutions to the situation at hand.

As it turns out, my day activities staff were hardly open to any suggestions from the CCE coordinator that would allow me to stay at this center. They kept making excuses about my meltdonws (which I haven’t had in a while) causing seizures and aggressive outbursts in other clients. This never really happened. Besides, these other clients get seizures/outbursts from a lot of behavior that other fellow clients exhibit too. I myself witnessed this on Monday.

We discussed the reasons for my meltdowns. Sensory ovelroad, demands and stress often set me off. The CCE coordinator asked whether I’d ever had a sensory integration assessment. I haven’t. It was at one point suggested by another consultant but my then psychologist (the one who kicked me out of the institution last year) dismissed this. Same for the trauma therapy recommended by the CCE consultant when we had a consultation in 2010.

We also discussed my living situation. This had not been the direct reason for contacting the CCE, but now that we had them involved anyway, my home support coordinator suggested we discuss this too. It is really hard. I mean, I experience a lot of stress now that I live independently with my husband. I was open about the worsening of my depression, including suicidal thoughts. I don’t want to die though, so the CCE coordinator asked what I do want. I honestly don’t know. At one point, the CCE coordinator also asked me directly whether I’d have wanted to live independently had the psychologist not kicked me out of the institution. I said “No”. My home support coordinator talked about the possibility of me and my husband moving closer to supported housing. This may be very difficult bureaucratically, as psychiatric diagnoses (including autism) don’t qualify you for long-term care, but maybe the CCE can help us figure this out.

I have mixed feelings about the meeting. I am somewhat hopeful but also a little pessimistic. Since the day activities staff aren’t open to solutions that will allow me to stay there, we’re at the mercy of a possible other day activities center. I hope we can find one.

What I’ve Been Up To Lately

I’ve been meaning to write a lot lately, but I didn’t. All that I started on were random ramblings that I didn’t finish. Today, I’m writing down these random ramblings in a kind of list, in hopes of finally finishing this post.

First, I had movement therpay on Tuesday. It was good in some ways but not good in a sense too. I dissociated a lot. Like the last time I had movement therapy, a part of me came out. This is good, in that it allowed me to express myself in a way I otherwise can’t. However, since my parts are not fully accepted by my mental health team, I’m not sure whether I’ll be taken out of movement therapy for it “not helping”.

Second, on Tuesday evening, my mother sent me and my sister a text message that she and my father were at my paternal grandma’s. She is being kept asleep for pain control and will soon die. This is terribly sad. I mean, yes, she’s 94 and in a lot of pain in addition to having long suffered significant cognitive decline. However, I cherish my grandma greatly. She was an official witness at my wedding in 2011. This was in th eearly stages of her cognitive decline, when she was still just able enough to fulfill this role. I am so glad I had her for this role, as I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my parents or sister at the time, so didn’t want to ask them.

Third, I started at yet another increased dose of citalopram last Monday. I told my psychiatrist on Friday what I’d written down here and she concluded that the medication is helping some but not enough, so she increased it to 40mg a day.

Fourth, yesterday I reached the recomended daily step goal of 10,000 steps despite the hot weather. This is only the second time since I bought my Fitbit activity tracker last February.

Fifth, I’ve been reading some good books lately. I finally finshed Angels with Dirty Faces by Casey Watson, a collection of five previously published mini eBooks. I may post a review soon. On Tuesday, I bought my first Kindle eBook. I wasn’t 100% sure whether it’d work with my screen reader, since it wasn’t mentioned explicitly that it would, but it did. It’s What Every Autistic Girl Wishes Her Parents Knew by the Autism Women’s Network. So far, I’m really enjoying this book.

Ten Ways in Which I’m Blessed

This week was a tough one. I have been stressed almost constantly over a lot of things. For this reason, I’m extra happy to find out that Finish the Sentence Friday is about blessings this week. It’s supposed to be a joint linky with Tuesday Ten, but I can’t find the Tuesday Ten post on blessings. Maybe it’ll go live next Tuesday. However, let me write a list of ways in which I’m blessed anyway. I hope it’ll cheer me up. Here goes.


  • I have my husband. I’m so glad I met him nine years ago.

  • I have my home in the tiny village.

  • I have my family. My parents are still in good health and my grandma is still alive and relatively well for a 92-year-old too.

  • I have my cat Barry.

  • I don’t have to worry about money most of the time.

  • I am in okay physical health.

  • I have my computer, with which I can connect to the Internet and interact with mostly supportive people.

  • I can write and express myself creatively.

  • I have my faith. Even if no-one else loved me, God does.

  • I am alive. I am not always happy about this, but right now, I try to see it as a blessing.

It was a bit hard to write this list, but I’m so happy I got to do it. I hope you are blessed in many ways too.

A Favorite Childhood Memory: Sleepovers at My Grandma’s

Today, I decided to check the Blog Everyday in May announcement and saw that it isn’t a requirement to post everyday. You are free to participate whenever you like. Not only did I decide to add the badge into yesterday’s post after all, but I think I’m going to try to join in with more prompts.

Today’s prompt is “a favorite childhood memory”. This is a tough one, since I tend to dwell on the negative aspects of many memories. A few days ago, however, I saw my sister had posted a picture of the two of us on a sleepover at our grandma’s. I was immediately tempted to write about that. Not only does it allow me to use a picture in my post for once, but sleepovers at my grandma’s were happy moments in my childhood and, for once, they don’t have a bittersweet connotation to them.

Sleepover at My Grandma's

I wrote about my grandma before. She is one amazing woman and I cherish the days spent with her. Particularly, my sister and I loved going for sleepovers. We went on a sleepover at least once a year until I was around fourteen.

Our grandma had saved many of her children’s toys and also still quilted stuffed animals. In the above picture, you see my sister and I playing dress-up.

At the time this picture was taken in 1994, my grandma lived in a family home in a quiet neighborhood in Zeist. She’d frequently take us on walks. We nicknamed the neighborhood “poo place” because of the proliferation of dog shit on the pavement.

As I said in my earlier post, my grandma would often take us on “expeditions” to explore the town and countryside. There was an “expedition” to the parking lot once she’d moved to a senior citizens’ home down town (to figure out how many stories it consisted of!)) There was also an “expedition” to the wildlife garden and an “expedition” alongside a ditch. The ditch had waterplants growing in it that looked just like grass. We joked that you can’t walk on this type of grass. Now that I look it up, the English Wikipedia has a picture of a ditch in the Netherlands. Wonder whether they don’t exist elsewhere. But I digress.

My grandma, as I said in my other post, volunteered for the local environmental conservation charity. I had lots of fun going to the activity group (the “activigeese” I mentioned), where my grandma would make quilted blankets, animals and such for the charity shop. I didn’t do much while at the activity group, as I’ve never been good at sewing, but I did enjoy chatting to the other ladies going there.

After we stopped going on sleepovers, my grandma did take us on a vacation to Paris in 2001. My sister had just finished her first year of secondary school and I had finished my second, so we both spoke a bit of French. We spent the week at one of my grandma’s French acquaintances’.

Of course, I still had my meltdown moments even when at my grandma’s. She was firm with me but never lost her temper. As I may’ve said in my other post, I just plain admire my grandma’s positive attitude. This is probably one reason that, growing up, I had the best relationship with her of all my grandparents. I undoubtedly drove her crazy sometimes, like I did most people in my life, but she handled it so amazingly. This is one reason why visits to my grandma as a child don’t have a bittersweet meaning to me now.

Found Love. Now What?

My Grandma

One of the writing prompts for this week over at Mama’s Losin’ It is to write about your grandma and her hometown. My grandma was born in Hoogezand-Sappemeer in the province of Groningen in the Netherlands, but she moved to the province of Zealand when she was very young. During her adult life, she lived in Hilversum with my grandpa and their five children, of which my father is the oldest. In the 1970s, after my grandma had divorced my grandpa, she moved to Zeist in the province of Utrecht, where she became a social worker in a psychiatric institution. When I was hospitalized in 2007, my father told her and she was pretty pissed because, she reasoned, I’d never get out.

The above picture shows the knight’s castle of Zeist. My grandma lived close by there in a senior citizens’ group livign accommodation during most of my childhood. She was the initiator of this group living apartment block. A funny tale is that she spoke of her idea for a group living place to a local govenrment official from a a conservative political party (she is a left-winger) and the man said: “Oh dear lady, you sure could be wishing for that” in a condescending voice. At that point my grandma responded with: “Oh dear gentleman, I’m not a dear lady.” Because the living project was created after all and it was her idea, my grandma had first choice of apartments. She chose a beautiful apartment on the fourth floor.

My grandma was an avid traveler, reader particularly of French literature, and quilter. I imagine she’d be a great lifestyle blogger if she could use computers. She taught some Amish people to quilt when she was visiting their land in the 1990s. At age nearly 80, she still traveled to China an Mongolia. I do not know to what degree she’s currently able to pursue her hobbies, given that over the past few years, she’s gotten a little frail and has suffered memory loss.

My sister and I often visited my grandma for sleepovers when we were young. She would then take us on “expeditions” into town and into the countryside. She volunteered for Utrecht nature conservation and went to do activities (“activigeese” according to my sister), quilting to raise funds for the local park.

My grandma always was an active woman. To be very clear, she is still alive at 90, though I haven’t seen her in a few years, which is why I write about her in the past tense mostly. The last time I saw her was on my wedding in 2011. She was my chosen witness there. I still speak to her on the phone eveyr now and then, and really need to call her today to schedule a visit. Even now that she’s moved to a care home and is pretty obviously getting older, she still inspires me to continue to be as active as I can be.

Mama’s Losin’ It