I am feeling a bit stressed out after my computer started acting up again – not as in it being broken, just as in having a hiccup. I am also missing out on inspiration for my #Mumslist post this week, because I haven’t been online much. I thought I’d put these two frustrations to good use and make a list of positives of the week.
- Made not just two but five loom bracelets this week. Am working on a sixth one. The above pic shows a bracelet I made for a nurse.
- With today being the exception, the weather has been quite nice over the past week.
- I reached my goal of going to the gym this week. Did buy candy more than once though. I did have a binge eating episode on Friday, but let’s just consider that a slip up.
- The nurses made delicious macaroni for us yesterday. Had a delicious ice cream on Tuesday.
- Both of my computers are usually fuctioning again.
- Made phone calls to my mother and sister. My sister, who earned her Master’s in history a few weeks ago, got word that she may be accepted into teacher education after all.
And here are my goals for the upcoming week.
- Make a Christmas card for a swap I’m on. Yeah, cardmakers make and sometimes swap Christmas cards all year.
- Start working on an art doll for a mixed media swap. I don’t really know what an art doll is, but one of the usual activity staff will be back from vacation this week so I can ask her for inspiration.
- Go to the gym again.
- Write one original blog post (so something other than Tuesday Ten, Word of the Week, etc.).
Have a nice week everyone!
Today, I had a discussion with my psychiatrist. I’ve been feeling okay overall, but, when my therapist and social worker got talking to me about going into supported housing, it caused me to be irritable for days. I notice this a lot lately: when I’m able to stay in the present and just do my thing, I’ll still have some mood swings, but they aren’t nearly as severe as when I need to focus on the future. My therapist and I are clearly not on the same page in terms of my goals, and this causes me intense frustration. I’ve reached for my PRN medication almost everyday last week, even though it isn’t effective. At least the though that something would be numbing me and I had some control over my emotions was there.
My psychiatrist pretty much said that situational frustration is not a reason to reach for meds, and he’s right. That’s one of the main reasons I stopped my Risperdal, which had been used to make me just numb enough not to have a crisis while living independently, but not so numb that I didn’t feel the intense pain anymore. In a way, I want nothing to do with my increased dose of Abilify either. It wasn’t increased now, but it’s been increased twice since I came here seven months ago, while I’d been stable at a moderate dose for three years before I cam here. Medication isn’t a cure for shitty circumstances.
Yet I reach for medication everytime I feel frustrated. It’s probably what I’ve been learning to do. I can’t get more support if my therapist doesn’t want me to get it, and it’s still a fact that in psychiatric institutions, patients have little say in their treatment, unless their treatment goals are in line with the latest treatment philosophy. Back when patients had to be locked up for the rest of their lives, people wanting to move into the community, were medicated, secluded and otherwise forced into submission. Now that psychiatric services have to face budget cuts and their philosophy has changed to rehabilition, patients like me, who cannot cope with this pressure, are, albeit more subtly, still forced into submission. Still, the only way to numb the agitation that I feel at people trying to control my life, is to reach for my meds. It isn’t going to get me out of this vicious cycle, but then again, what is?