Tag Archives: Fitness

#WeekendCoffeeShare for June 16, 2018

I have seriously been meaning to write more and have had a few ideas floating around my head. Someohow though I could never find the energy or motivation to actually sit down and write a post. This week, a lot happened, so it’s about time I join in Alli’s #WeekendCoffeeShare again.

If we were having coffee, first I’d tell you all about the visit to a few possible new day activities places last Monday. There were four places that I would be visiting: a day center like the one I go to now, an industrial workshop, an arts place and a farm. The care consultant explained about each place and said the farm was pretty large and low-support, so I would most likely not be able to do much there. I don’t like industrial work, so I turned that one down too. The arts place, we did visit, but it didn’t turn out to be suitable. They mostly do textile arts, painting and drawing there, none of which I can do. They also do ceramics, which I can do but don’t usually like. It was also rather crowded and noisy there.

The day center consists of four groups, two of which are relatively high-support. I was shown around these two groups. The first one, which is the highest-support one, seemed really suitable. They have arund a 1:5 staff/client ratio, which is similar to my current group and is doable for me. The group seemed a little more structured than my current group. They go for walks regularly. They also have a garden with some swings and a rocking lounger. The center has a sensory room near this group. I spoke to one of the staff for this group, who happened to have seen me at the horseback riding school a few times. You see, some people from this day center go horseback riding there too. They also go swimming every other Tuesday. I assume this is only for peoople for whom a volunteer buddy can be found, but I hope that should I transfer here, I can do this too.

I was up front about the fact that I could have meltdowns if my irritability isn’t acknowledged and dealt with on time. I think though that if I transfer here, the consultant from the Center for Consultation and Expertise (CCE) can help us figure out a good support plan.

We also visited the other group, where people do mostly table-based activities. This group was a little more crowded and lower-support and I like walking and sensory activities more than table-based tasks. I ultimately chose to try out at the first group. On June 25 and 26, I’ll be spending the mornings there. We’ll be evaluating this on the 26th. I have decided to wait to potentially transfer till we’ve spoken to the CCE consultant on July 31.

I can’t convey through writing how excited I am about this possible new opportunity. I really hope it works out. Transportation may be an issue, but I have my hopes up that this will be sorted out.

Next, I’d be sharing about my next session of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) with my nurse practitioner. It was good. We discussed rational, emotional and wise mind. Wise mind is like intuition, the integration of emotion and reason. One of the goals of DBT is to get into wise mind more often.

Last week, I had called the on-duty nurse at the psychiatric unit because I was close to a crisis due to feeling very lonely. I had initially felt really bad about having called, because loneliness is a common reason for me to land in near-crisis and need to call them. My nurse practitioner validated me, saying I don’t have their phone number for no reason.

If we were having coffee, I’d share about my weight loss this past week. I lost 1.5kg in just over a week. Now this evening we went to an all-you-can-eat restaurant, so I’ve probably gained it back, but I’ll lose it again soon enough. I also met the recommended daily step goal (10,000 steps) again on Wednesday.

What have you been up to lately?

What I’ve Been Up To Lately

I’ve been meaning to write a lot lately, but I didn’t. All that I started on were random ramblings that I didn’t finish. Today, I’m writing down these random ramblings in a kind of list, in hopes of finally finishing this post.

First, I had movement therpay on Tuesday. It was good in some ways but not good in a sense too. I dissociated a lot. Like the last time I had movement therapy, a part of me came out. This is good, in that it allowed me to express myself in a way I otherwise can’t. However, since my parts are not fully accepted by my mental health team, I’m not sure whether I’ll be taken out of movement therapy for it “not helping”.

Second, on Tuesday evening, my mother sent me and my sister a text message that she and my father were at my paternal grandma’s. She is being kept asleep for pain control and will soon die. This is terribly sad. I mean, yes, she’s 94 and in a lot of pain in addition to having long suffered significant cognitive decline. However, I cherish my grandma greatly. She was an official witness at my wedding in 2011. This was in th eearly stages of her cognitive decline, when she was still just able enough to fulfill this role. I am so glad I had her for this role, as I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my parents or sister at the time, so didn’t want to ask them.

Third, I started at yet another increased dose of citalopram last Monday. I told my psychiatrist on Friday what I’d written down here and she concluded that the medication is helping some but not enough, so she increased it to 40mg a day.

Fourth, yesterday I reached the recomended daily step goal of 10,000 steps despite the hot weather. This is only the second time since I bought my Fitbit activity tracker last February.

Fifth, I’ve been reading some good books lately. I finally finshed Angels with Dirty Faces by Casey Watson, a collection of five previously published mini eBooks. I may post a review soon. On Tuesday, I bought my first Kindle eBook. I wasn’t 100% sure whether it’d work with my screen reader, since it wasn’t mentioned explicitly that it would, but it did. It’s What Every Autistic Girl Wishes Her Parents Knew by the Autism Women’s Network. So far, I’m really enjoying this book.

My Achievements in 2016

The year 2016 is almost over and I feel pretty disappointed. It should’ve been the year in which I finally left the mental institution, but I didn’t. I mean, I’ve been resolving to leave the hospital every single year since 2008, but this time I thought I was so close. It’s even worse, because I get blamed for not having achieved this goal. My psychologist tells me I never want to leave and that I try every single trick to delay my discharge. This to her proves my dependent personalty disorder. Well, it wasn’t me who took four months to come up with that diagnosis. It wasn’t me who still hasn’t referred me to outpatient treatment and it wasn’t because for whatever reason I blocked this – I didn’t.

In many other ways, this year has been a disappointment. Still, I need to focus on the things that I did achieve in 2016. They may not feel important to me at this point, but that is only a matter of perspective.

1. I have not been in seclusion all year. I tend to think that, because I’m supposed to leave and there’s no seclusion outside of the institution, staff are less likely to ask me to go into seclusion. There is likely some truth to this, but I also have been acting out much less over the past year than I used to. It isn’t over yet – I broke a mug and self-injured only a few days ago. It’s better though.

2. My daily medication has been stable all year. I did finally get a prescription for a benzodiazepine to use at most twice a week as-needed. I hardly need it though.

3. I managed to binge eat less than I did last year. Though I resolved to get my BMI under 30 and this was a massive fail, my weight remained stable over the year.

4. We got an elliptical trainer at home. Though I didn’t use it as regularly as I’d have liked, I enjoyed exercsing when I did.

5. I found a craft that I enjoy. This is one of my biggest wins of 2016. Though I don’t make soap or skin care products as regularly as I intended to anymore, half a year in I still enjoy the craft. I also finally felt confident enough to make soaps and skin care products for other people. I never quite felt as self-confident about my other crafts. Recently, I experienced some setbacks, in that a few soaps I made over the past few weeks turned out worse than even my first soaps. However, I’m not about to give up (yet).

6. I didn’t give up blogging, even though I was tempted. I kept up one Dutch blog from early June until now, although December was a bad month. Consistent with more posts here, as always, my posting on there declined. I’m not about to give up eithehr blog though.

In short, my theme for 2016 has been “persevere”. I faced many setbacks and disappointments, but I didn’t give up. I hope that 2017 will be better than 2016, but if it isn’t, I hope I will keep on persevering.

You Baby Me Mummy

Happy List – May 30 to June 5, 2016

I’ve been feeling extremely unmotivated to blog lately. It’s not that I don’t want to, or that there aren’t enough prompts or other ideas to get me started. I just can’t get my fingers moving and actually type that post. I don’t know whether it’s for that reason or in spite of it, but I’ve wanted to restart my Dutch website, blog or both. Of course, I’m uninpsired on that side of the language fence too. Just to get myself back into the swing of things, I’ll just write a list of things I’m happy about this week.



  • I’ve been doing okay in the exercise department. The physical therapist came to my unit on Monday to do exercise with me and I worked out some with the resistance band. On Tuesday, I went to the institution gym and did well there. I’ve also been lifting weights and working out more with the resistance band in my room. Yesterday, I went on the elliptical at home.

  • On a somewhat related note, the physical therapist measured the strength in my hands, believing my left hand would be weaker. Turned out they’re both equally strong (or weak). I didn’t ask whether my strength is much worse than normal people’s. It probably is, but for now, let’s forget that and focus on the fact that my left hand isn’t weaker than the right one.


  • On Wednesday, two student nurses from the locked ward went to the market and there was still room in their car. Since one guy ended up not wanting to go and another woman had just lost her privileges, I was the only one going. We bought fruit for my unit and the locked unit and I got some fish.

  • On Friday, my husband and I went out to buy fries and snacks. Yesterday, my husband made us tortillas. Both times, the food was great.

  • Yesterday, my husband and I went clothes shopping for me. We didn’t find what we’d hoped for, but we did find some great dresses.

  • The weather is good. We were supposed t get thunderstorms all week, but in the institution town we only got one on Tuesday. My husband did get worse thuderstorms. Over the week-end, however, we had beautiful weather at home.

  • Our cat Barry celebrated his third birthday today. My in-laws came and brought an apple pie. Barry himself got some of his favorite food.


What are you happy about this week?

A Day in the Life of My New, Healthy Self

I started in a whole health journaling challenge on April 1. Unfortunately, due to fatigue and depressed moods setting in this week, I’ve not been able to do much of it. I finished the third journaling exercise, which has me envisioning a day as my new, healthy self. It was quite inspiring. Here is what I wrote.

I get up in the morning at 7 or 8AM. I shower, get dressed and have a healthy breakfast of yoghurt with muesli or a breakfast smoothie. I take my medication and brush my teeth. I may go to day activities to do snoezelen, swimming or go for a walk. Day activities will help me find companionship. I go on the elliptical trainer in the morning while listening to upbeat music.

For lunch, I have some bread. I may have another smoothie or some fruit. In the afternoon, I journal and go on the Internet for blogging and reading blogs and Facebook. When I live with my husband or if I have WiFi while in the institution, I watch some old TV online. I may go for a walk. Most importantly, I don’t sleep in the afternoon.

I meditate or pray in the afternoon too and read my Bible. I do some yoga in the afternoon as well. Either this will be the sun salutation I learned from my activity staff or I will hopefully learn some new series of poses.</P

In the evening, I eat a healthy meal. While still in the institution, I try to eat a bit of everything served. (I obviusly do the same when my husband cooks, but he usually cooks meals I like.)

I don’t sleep in the evening either. Instead, I go online, read a magazine or book. I go to bed at 10PM. I brush my teeth again before bedtime.

As you can see, I’m not 100% sure whether I’ll achieve this new, healthy state of mine while still in the institution or once I live with my husband. INitially, after writing this entry, I was completely motivated to start right then and there. I wrote my entry in the afternoon, so I decided to try a bit of everything served for supper that day. I have been doing well in this department – the only thing I skipped this week were mashed potatoes. I also did well in having healthy breakfasts each day. I also went on the elliptical a few times, though not in the mornings.

However, I’ve not been doing well in the sleeping department. I slept during the day almost each day and some nights have been pretty much sleepless. I also still need to get into the habit of brushing my teeth twice a day. My spiritual self-care is a mixed bag: I did yoga and meditation a few times but didn’t read the Bible or pray.

My biggest hurdle so far is to get into a healthy circadian rhythm. I think getting myself out of bed may give me energy rather than the other way around, but I’m not 100% convinced. I need to try this at least.

Small Victories Sunday Linkup

New Year’s Resolutions for 2016 (Plus Looking Back at 2015)

Happy 2016! I just returned from spending new year’s at my parents’ and am quite tired. I had fun but also felt pretty easily overloaded while there, so much so that the turn of the year went by in a bit of a blur. So it’s 2016. I keep typing 2015, then when I try to correct myself I type 2017. It’s not because I don’t know what year it is, but simply that my fingers are not used to typing the year 2016 yet.

During 2015, I made new year’s resolutions at the start of the year and set monthly goals at various times of the year. I rarely followed through and hardly ever looked back. Today, however, I am going to look back at my 2015 new year’s goals and also discuss my goals for the new year.

1. Blogging. I resolved to blog at least twice a week in 2015. This was mostly a success. When illness or stress got in the way, I blogged less often, but when I felt well, I often blogged more. I also participated in two month-long blog challenges: #AtoZChallenge in April and #Write31Days in October. For 2016, I will continue to attempt to blog twice a week when physical and mental health permit it. I will give blog challenges some more thought, as they were fun in 2015 but not as rewarding as I’d imagined they’d be. I can’t wait to discover and connect with new bloggers this year.

There wasn’t a year that I started and dropped more blog-related projects than in 2015. I mostly messed with three or four versions of my Dutch blog, but also had the Recovery Bloggers Network running for a week or so when I got the flu and gave up. In 2016, I hope to give blog-related projects more thought before starting them and then giving up.

2. Writing. I resolved to journal more, possibly offline. This has not been a success. I tried several journaling solutions, including good ol’ Notepad, EverNote and various pieces of journaling software. However, the problem seemed to be I couldn’t make a commitment to journaling offline regularly. This may be because of my drive to overshare everything I create. I will give journaling some more priority in 2016, but it might just be online.

3. Crafting. I resolved to improve my polymer clay modeling skills and invest in an art journal. The art journal idea is still on my mind, but it’s been for several years and, like the offline journal, never got off the ground. I did work some more with polymer clay, but can’t say I quite improved. I learned a few bead-making skills, but didn’t really put a lot of effort into it. I also tried several other crafts, like loom knitting and crochet, but quit pretty soon. For 2016, I resolve to find a craft I can commit to practising regularly.

4. Reading. In 2015, I resolved to finish some books I’d started reading in 2014. This goal can be ticked off. I also resolved to focus my reading more on juvenile fiction and autobiographies rather than more academic non-fiction. This did indeed happen. For 2016, I hope to continue this trend.

5. Fitness. This was a massive fail. I resolved to lose five to ten kilograms but instead gained a few. I also resolved to lessen my binge eating, which I also failed at miserably. I did start exercising again, but not regularly enough. For 2016, I am still hoping I can lessen the binges. I plan to get into a more regular exercise routine. I hope to get my BMI under 30 at least, which requires me to lose about five kilograms.

6. Mental health. In 2015, I hoped to find a PRN medication or other way of averting crises that are inevitable. About a month ago, my psychiatrist said that my current PRN medication is the best choice for me, because the only thing that works better in most people are benzodiazepines. Since I have both personal and familial history of benzo addiction/dependence, my psychiatrist is not willing to put me on a benzodiazepine. I unfortunately have not been able to find any other strategies either, although it seems as though my crises have become significantly less frequent. For 2016, I’m just hoping I can stay relatively stable amidst the stress of moving in with my husband. I am resolving to get my crisis prevention plan updated for the home situation.

7. Housing. In 2015, I resolved to find out where I would be living after discharge from the institution. I have decided to go live with my husband, but I’ve not yet found out whether I’ll truly be able to make that transition. I am pretty sure that regardless I’ll be discharged this year, so I’m resolving to make the transition go smoothly.

8. Relationships. I didn’t have any real goals other than continuing to love and stay married to my husband. I’ll tick that off as a success, obviously and make the same resolution for 2016.

Mr and Mrs T Plus Three

Those First Five Pounds

As regular readers of this blog will know, I am quite overweight. In fact, I need to lose about 30lbs to be at a healthy BMI. Thankfully, I haven’t gained any weight in the past eighteen months, but I haven’t lost any either.

One of this week’s prompts over at Mama’s Losin’ It asks me what is sabotaging my plans of losing five pounds. Though five pounds isn’t even enough to get my BMI under 30, every journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. So what’s keeping me from losing those first few pounds?

Let me for once not go into the details of my disordered eating habits. I have written many times abut my tendency towards emotional eating and bingeing, but this does not seem to be the only factor keeping me from dropping those first five pounds. Of course, weihgt loss requires self-control, and this is exactly what I lack during a bingeing episode. However, doesn’t everyone have times when they lose control over themselves? Also, I’ve not binged in a few weeks and yet haven’t lost any weight. Could it not be the simple habit of eating too much over an extended period of time and not getting my butt off the chair that is truly keeping me from losing any weight?

I don’t check food labels when I get something to eat. I don’t count calories. Now I’m not advocating obsessing over calories, but some awareness is essential for weight loss. I habitually think that foods are less calorie-rich than they actually are. This doesn’t just go for binge foods like candy, where I can easily exceed 2000 calories in one binge. I was shocked one day when my husband and I went to McDonald’s for lunch and I had downed 1000 calories with what I considered a small meal. Like, a burger, small serving of fries and a small milkshake. Yes, I do know milkshakes are not healthy, but I seriously didn’t know they were that high on calories. My husband warned me that I shouldn’t eat 1000 extra calories everyday or I’d gain over 100lbs in a year. The truth is, I probably exceed the number of calories I burn by at least 500 almost everyday.

I also don’t exercise nearly enough. I get fitness-focused physical therapy once a week and go to the gym once a week for 45 minutes. That’s not enough. In addition, I should be going on the elliptical or stationary bike at least twice during the week. I did this faithfully for a while, but have been too lazy to do this lately. I do go for walks, but not as often as most people do.

Now that I review this post, it’s a miracle I am not over 200lbs already. I went to the gym this morning, so I’m not sure it’s healthy to go on the elliptical now. Then again, I didn’t disclose how much I ate today and am not going to go into detail on it either (hint: 720 calories for lunch). It’s too bad writing about weight loss won’t get me to drop those extra pounds.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Goal-Setting: July 2015

It’s July 1, so let me look back on the month of June and the goals I had for it. I will also create new goals for this month.

My first goal was to start my health psychology course and study for at least a few hours each week. Didn’t reach that goal as I am a terrible procrastinator and didn’t get to go to the educational department until mid-June. Then on my first time going there, my digital talking book player wouldn’t work, so I had to go back to the ward. I’ve been studying some last week but am not progressing nearly as fast as I’d like to.

Then I had some health goals. I did an okay job on these. I didn’t do yoga as often as I’d planned but did work out on the elliptical trainer. My husband didn’t give me weights for my birthday as he thought I wasn’t going to use them anyway. Need to buy some this month, because I did get some exercises which I can do with weights. I started physical therapy for getting fitter and have been practising quite a bit inbetween sessions.

As for my weight, I did lose almost 2kg, but it wasn’t in a healthy way. I’ve started to slip back into disordered eating behaviors, mostly purging. I did write a pro/con list on my eating disorder, but found way more pros than cons. Like, I know purging isn’t good for your health in the long run, but well, who cares? Well, yeah, I do, kind of. I don’t know for sure that the purging caused my weight loss, as I’ve paradoxically been bingeing less too. That’s kind of a blessing in disguise.

Lastly, my goals were to read more inspiring writing and to nurture my creativity. I’ve accomplished both of these goals. I didn’t nurture my writing spirit, but I did craft a lot, mostly jewelry-making. I got a lot of beads for my birthday and am loving creating with them.

Now, let me set some July goals.


  1. Lose 1kg in a healthy way.

  2. Stop purging.

  3. Work out three times each week.

  4. Buy weights and learn to use them.

  5. Study for at least three hours each week.

  6. Nurture my writing spirit.

  7. Read a lot.


Overall, I hope July will be a better month in the goal-reaching department than June was. Have a great month!

Fitness: Goal Setting and Getting Started #MDFitClub

Over at Mums’ Days, Hannah has launched the #MDFitClub. She writes all about motherhood and how it affects your health and fitness, but I believe I can join in too. After all, I have some health goals to work on too.

Back in January, I resolved to lose five to ten kilograms in 2015. That doesn’t seem to be a clear enough goal, because I keep thinking I could lose it all “later”. Though I’ve lost about two kilograms, that’s not nearly enough given how far along we are in 2015. My BMI is still over 30. Since the #MDFitClub runs for two months, I am resolving to get my BMI under 30 within these two months. That means losing about three kilograms.

Early this month, my fitness goal was to practise yoga at least three times a week. I have changed that to working out on the elliptical trainer or stationary bike, because these are more effective. I also started physical therapy last week, which is mainly for improving my physical condition. I did some working out there too, but I still agreed with the therapist to work out three times a week.

In the eating department, I’m doing relatively okay already. I have not completely eliminated binge eating, but have gotten it down to at most once a week. I do snack a lot though. I believe I shouldn’t be stressing out over the binges, since stress will make them worse. Then again, I do believe I need to stop snacking regularly. Otherwise, I won’t be losing any weight.

My purpose – my reason for wanting to achieve these goals – is my overall health. Though there is debate as to whether a BMI between 25 and 30 is unhealthy, everyone agrees that a BMI over 30 is. Besides, if I allow myself to have this BMI, there’s no clear-cut limit to weight gain. I really ultimately need to get my BMI under 25 (which means losing another twelve kilograms), but I know that’s not realistic within two months.

As a means of accountability, I will be writing regularly on how I’m doing with my goals. I am glad there’s a community of people participating in this challenge too. But I shouldn’t just talk, I should do the thing too. Now I’m therefore going to get onto that elliptical trainer. 🙂

June 2015 Goals

Several bloggers I’ve come across lately list their monthly goals on their blogs. Listing your goals for the month was also the first prompt in the 30 days of writing prompts for June on The SITS Girls. I won’t promise that I will write down my goals each month, but for June, I thought I’d give it a go.

1. Start my health psychology course and study for at least a few hours each week. I enrolled in this Open University course in May, but haven’t heard back from the institution’s educational department on getting me a place to study. This should not be an excuse, since I do have the textbooks, so I can study in my room too. I am resolving to study for at least a couple of hours each week during the month of June.

2. Practise yoga on at least three days each week. In May, I learned to do the sun salutation yoga series and I have been practising it regularly, but not as regularly as I’d like. Some weeks, I’ve practised for five days, but others, I didn’t practise at all. This needs to change. I can always practise more, but I need to practise at least three times each week.

3. Learn to use weights. I asked my husband for weights as a birthday present and he said he’ll buy me some provided I go to the fitness department and learn how to use them. I also want to practise using weights for a bit before I get my husband to buy them for me. If for no other reason, then it’s just to figure out what weight I need and to make sure I won’t give up within five minutes.

4. Lose at least 1kg. I was surprised when I went onto the scale today to find out that I hadn’t gained any weight in the past few weeks despite lots of French fries and candies and pizza and little exercise. Still, I still need to lose almost 15kg for a healthy BMI and have lost only a little over 2kg since being at my heaviest last March. I am starting in a weight loss challenge on a Dutch Facebook group today and hope this will motivate me to actually lose a bit of weight.

5. Nurture my creativity. This is a vague one, I know. I have felt a lot of inspiration for writing and art, but I have not put fingers to keyboard or started creating crafts or art much. I want to change this. Having started reading a book of poetry from a fellow survivor, I think I too can do this. What is holding me back is the fear of not being good enough, but who cares?

6. Read some inspirational writings. I have been browsing Kobo for inspiring books to download, but other than said book of poetry (which was free), I’ve hardly gotten to read anything. I plan on reading some inspirational books and may discover some inspiring blogs too. I plan on reflecting on what I read too.

Mami 2 Five