Tag Archives: Dissociation

Just One Thing

Last week, I started a journal-style blog to explore my inner world. As usual, I didn’t write in it much at all, so I’m resorting back to this blog. The reason I wanted another blog is because of the derogatory comments I’ve gotten here regarding my dissociation. No, I don’t have a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder anymore and no, I don’t claim to be DID. I do however have insiders, parts, alters or however you’d like to call them. I don’t care what people think of this, or at least, I try not to care. To reclaim myself and my experience, here I’m sharing a post I wrote last week.

Manyofus1980 from Therapy Bits posed an interesting question: if the world could understand just one thing about your mental health diagnosis, what would it be? In the post title, the question is about your “mental illness” rather than your “diagosis”. This is important to my answer, as my short answer is: my diagnosis does not dictate my experience.

I have had countless diagnoses over the years, some of which I agreed with and some of which I disputed. I don’t even know what my current diagnosis is according to my community treatment team. According to the university hospital where I got a second opinion last spring, it’s autism spectrum disorder, recurrent moderate depression and borderline personality disorder traits. Of this, I doubt the depression, because my default mood is low. Then again, I do seem to remember feeling much lower than low in the months that I had my assessment at this hospital. The thing is, I can’t usually connect my feelings from the past to the present if they’re very different.

We didn’t really go into my trauma experience, as my assessment was primarily focused on autism. However, the university hospital psychologist did recommend I get EMDR treatment for the negative experiences I had in the process of moving towards independence. I have not had a trauma-based diagnosis since 2013 and that’s fine by me. I don’t need a diagnosis to justify my experience.

I am who I am. We are who we are. We don’t fit in a diagnostic box, because, well, we’re we.

Sometimes, we feel upset that we don’t get recognition from our treatment team (as far as we know) for our traumatic and post-traumatic experiences. I had a lot of difficulty answering my psychiatrist’s questions about this during my intake interview. I mean, most of the trauma we endured, didn’t leave visible wounds. I know that dissociation can be caused by attachment issues, sometimes even too mild to create PTSD. However, there is still a common belief that only prolonged sexual or ritual abuse can create alter parts. I try not to care. We are we are we, so deal with it.

What My Mental Illness Feels Like #Write31Days

31 Days of Mental Health

Welcome to day 29 in the #Write31Days challenge on mental health. Phew, we’re almost done. I truly find it a challenge and unfortunately don’t find it particularly rewarding.

Today, I’ll give you a glimpse into my unquiet mind by describing what it feels like tohave my mental illness. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which is characterized by self-regulation difficulties. It also overlaps with other disorders.

Once, years before I had been diagnosed with any mental illness at all, I read a description on a Dutch site of the “borderline feeling”. It described a starting point at which you are feeling fine, or at least appearing as though you are fine. Then, a minor annoyance occurs. You start feeling frustrated, angry, infuriated. Then you feel sad, depressed, depserate. Fear and then panic also comes in. Finally, all feelings tumble over each other and create a big emotional whirlwind. That’s what the experience of BPD is like.

I can illustrate this with an example. This afternoon, I was feeling slightly on edge because it was time to make afternoon coffee and no-one was available to assist me. Then, when I noticed the nurses were flipping through some seemingly unrelated photos at the nurse’s station, I completely lost it. They had told me they were busy and now they were just chattering! I can’t even remember how the situation progressed, but within minutes I was banging my head, screaming and then ran off. When I came back to the unit (I had the sense of rationality to find my way back myself), I accused the nurses of faking being busy and ignoring me. They had truly ignored me (or been oblivious to me at least) when i stood at the nurse’s station and I still cannot be sure what thing was keeping them so busy. That being said, I couldn’t politely ask them whether they truly didn’t have time to help me make coffee.

We had a group discussion, in which I was again relatively calm. Then we had dinner, after which I went on the computer for a bit. I still was feeling slightly on edge but not over the edge. I wanted to talk to the nurse, so made use of my daily talk time to discuss my tension. However, I couldn’t get it out clearly what I was feeling and why. At that point, all emotions started coming together and I became angry and depressed and fearful at the same time. I went outside, accompanied by the nurse, to blow off some steam.

Usually, this feeling I had in the evining for me is triggered by some flashbacks or relivings of past “trauma”. I put that between scare quotes because the events I am reliving can be relatively minor. However, they can cause distress nonetheless.

During such episodes I also often feel dissociated. I used to completely regress into a child mode, but now I just feel as though I’m small and start speaking or babbling incoherently but don’t fully act like a child.

When an episode is severe, I may resort to self-destructive behaviors such as binge eating or self-injury. Usually, these behaviors temporarily relieve the tension but obviously they aren’t the solution. I often relapse soon after I engaged in destructive behaviors. With PRN tranquilizers, especially benzodiazepines, the same used to be true: they temporarily calmed me down, but when they wore off, I was increasingly agitated. Research shows that borderlines often become more agitated and may become aggressive when given benzodiazepines, because benzodiazepines reduce their anxiety and thereby their impulse inhibition. I do not personally experience this.

Dissociation #Write31Days

31 Days of Mental Health

Welcome to day 28 in the 31-day writing challenge on mental health. Today, I will be discussing dissociation. I used to have a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder, but dissociation is also common in post-traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder.

Dissociation refers to a detachment from reality: disconnection from one’s surroundings, one’s own body, one’s mental processes or one’s identity. there are five different domains of dissiociation:


  • Depersonalization: a disconnection from one’s own body or mental processes. People who experience depersonalization feel “unreal”.

  • Derealization: a disconnection from one’s environment. The world around people who are derealized seems unreal or vague, as if looking through a glass wall.

  • Amnesia or memory loss. People who experience dissociative amnesia can be triggered by things that remind them of an unpleasant memory, but they do not remember the unpleasant event. Amnesia can also refer to “time loss”, where the person does not know what happened during a specific time period. Identity amnesia refers to a person not remembering who they are.

  • Identity confusion. This refers to being unsure of who one is. I have always believed that everyone has a level of identity confusion, but when I did a structured interview for dissociation, it appeared as though this isn’t really normal.

  • Identity alteration or “switching”. This refers to a person becooming “someone else”. This ccan be apparent on the outside, like by the person having a change in non-verbal communication that is unlike them. It can also be apparent on the inside, where the person just feels as though they’re “someone else”.


Dissociation is different from psychosis in that people who dissociate are still aware of reality. Most people with dissociative experiences do not experience delusions or hallucinations, though a PTSD flashback coupled with dissociation can look like it. At least in my case, I’ve appeared quite disorganized and out of my mind when in a flashback.

Dissociation to a certain extent is normal. Most people on occasion get “lost” in a book or movie, for example. When dissociation is more severe, you may have a dissociative disorder. There are several different dissociative disorders.


  • Depersonalization/derealization disorder is characterized primarily by depersonalization and/or derealization. This disorder can only be diagnosed if the depersonalization/derealization is not due to another mental disorder, such as a panic disorder.

  • Dissociative amnesia is primarily characterized, as the name suggests, by amnesia.

  • Dissociative fugue. This is a subtype of dissociative amnesia where the affected person travels away from their home or work and has amnesia for their entire life prior to travelling away. They also often adopt a new identity.

  • Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by both amnesia and dissociative phenomena affecting identity, ie. identity confusion and alteration. DID is considered to be the most severe dissociative disorder.

Depersonalization and derealization can, as I said, be part of another mental disorder, such as panic disorder. There is also a subtype of PTSD which is characterized by depersonalization and derealization. Other causes of depersonalization and derealization include stress and certain substances, such as marijuana.

The other dissociative disorders are believed to be trauma-based. Treatment involves psychotherapy. The psychotherapeutic treatment of DID consists of three phases:


  1. Stabilization. In this phase of treatment, a person learns coping skills to deal with flashbacks, keep themself safe and stay grounded.

  2. Processing the trauma that caused DID.

  3. Integration. This can refer to merging of the alters, but also to rehabilitation.


In 2011, Onno van der Hart, Kathy Steele and Suzette Boon published a manual for skills training in the first phase of DID treatment called Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation.

My Experience With Therapy and Counseling #Write31Days

31 Days of Mental Health

Welcome to day 23 in the #Write31Days challenge on mental health. Today, I’ll focus on another question in the 30-day mental illness awareness challenge. For day 23, the topic is your opinion on therapy. I will share my experiences of therapy and my opinion on various approaches. I have decided to include both traditional psychotherapy approaches and non-verbal approaches.

I had my first experience of therapy as a child, when I had four sessions of play therapy. I didn’t like the therapist, didn’t have insight into my problems, and four sessions obviously wasn’t enough to garner any results. In hindsight, my play behavior did show my problems with rigid thinking, emotion regulation and behavioral control. For example, I’d throw out the dollhouse dolls with purple hair because “people don’t have purple hair”. I also preferred to play with toys that allowed me to show anger, such as toy guns. One vivid memory I have is of me trying to overflow the water tray. The therapist did show me why it wouldn’t work, but I tried anyway.

My first experience with verbal therapy was when I was nineteen and attending the rehabilitation center for the blind. Once again, I didn’t like the therapist, who appeared a bit inpatient towards my difficulties adjusting to blindness and misunderstanding of my social ineptitude. She tried to offer practical advice, while I felt I needed to process the rollercoaster ride that my life had become. Of course, time constraints – I had only about twelve sessions -, prevented us from going deeper.

During my first sixteen months in the psychiatric hospital, I didn’t have a psychologist. I did do movement therapy, which helped me greatly to release my emotional tension. It was here that I learned to rate my distress level – I came up with a system myself. Thhat being said, when later people asked me to rate my distress level, I was often stuck. This moveement therapist I had at the acute ward was one of the more helpful therapists I’ve had.

At the resocialization ward, I tried cognitive-behavioral therapy for a bit. It hardly worked, because I and my therapist agreed I had good reason to be anxious. Then, when I was diagnosed with DID and PTSD, the therapist pushed me to try EMDR, but I resisted. I didn’t have that severe PTSD symptoms, after all, and did have quite a bit of trouble with self-regulation and dissociation.

When I moved to my current institution, I got diagnosed with BPD. My therapist’s expertise was schema-focused therapy, an approach I’d wanted to use for a while. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. The therapist told one of my parts, who hides her inner weakness behind a stubborn attitude, that she’s a “punitive parent” and needs to disappear. I strongly feel that each part of my personality has a function, so this dismissive attitude didn’t fit me well. Besides, though I learned some from the book the therapist recommended, most of the information was just a bit too abstract.

This therapist left in 2014 and I’ve had a new psychologist for a little over a year now. With her, I focus on supportive counseling and rehabilitation. I find this is most constructive. I do hope that, in the future, I can get some formal psychotherapy again. I have a dialectical behavior therapy self-help book, which is quite interesting. Then again, I find it hard to make a long-term commitment to sticking to one thing to focus on. That is probably the main thing keeping me from engaging properly in psychotherapy.

Animals and Mental Health #Write31Days

31 Days of Mental Health

Welcome to day 21 in the 31-day writing challenge on mental health. Today on a mental health E-mail list I’m a member of, the daily question for discussion was about animals. This inspired me to write a post on how animals can impact mentnal health and help people who struggle with mental illness.

There are many ways in which animals, and especialy pets, can help someone with a mental health problem. For example:


  • Pets provide uncomplicated love. While your relationships with family and friends might be strained because of your mental illness, a pet doesn’t care whether you hurt its feelings and doesn’t give you unwanted advice.

  • Pets give you a sense of responsibility. While pets do not ask for much, they require a certain level of care. This may seem overwhelming when you’re struggling with mental illness, but it can actually help you focus on something positive instead of on your negative mood.

  • Pets require you to get moving. While becoming physically active may seem hard when you’re in the pit of depression or another mental illness, it will actually help improve your mood. Having a pet who requires you to be active, such as a dog, can really help you get motivated to get your butt off the couch.

  • Pets help establsih a routine. They need regular feeding, walking or other care. A proper daily routine is good for your mental health.

  • With a pet, you’re never alone. You may withdraw from contact with friends or relatives, but your pet is always by your side.

  • Pets can help you engage in social interaction. Pets can be an easy topic to talk about that is not laden with negativity. Pets also often function as ice-breakers, for example when you are walking your dog or waiting at the vet’s. Even when your mental illness makes you appear reclusive, people will start interacting with your pet.

  • Touching pets can be soothing and thereby improve your mental health.

The benefits of pets can be even greater when the pet is trained as a service or therapy animal. Pet therapy, also known as animal-assisted therapy, is a form of therapy by which a specially trained pet interacts with individuals with mental health problems. The benfit of animal-assisted therapy over human interaction is that an animal accepts the individual as they are without judging or being threatening. Like I said before, they don’t care whetehr their feelings are hurt. People with emotional difficulties in particular often find it easier to trust pets than humans.

Like I said, animals can also be an ice-breaker, allowing the mentally ill person to open up more eaisly when interacting with the pet and its handler.

Psychiatric service dogs can be helpful to people with post-traumatic stress disorder and dissociative identity disorder, among others. They can, for instance, signal when a person with PTSD or DID is going to dissociate or have a flashback. They can then comfort the person or alert someone else. PTSD service dogs can sense when the sufferer is experiencing a nightmare and then wake them up. They can also enhance the sufferer’s feelings of safety by for example keeping strangers at a safe distance while at the same time encouraging social interaction.

Emotional support or companion animals do not provide any specific tasks for a person with a mental illness, like service animals do. Rather, they are solely there to provide emotional stability and companionship to the mental health sufferer. A licensed mental health professional should indicate that a mental health sufferer requires an emotional support animal. Emotional support animals should wear an identification vest or tag that says they’re an emotional support animal. In the U.S., people with registered emotional support animals are allowed to have their pets live with them even when no-pet policies are in place. People are also entitled to fly with their emotional support animals. However, unlike service animal owners, people with emotional support animals cannot claim access to other public or private places (such as restaurants) with their animals.

Life Events and My Mental Illness #Write31Days

31 Days of Mental Health

Welcome to day 8 in the 31 Days of Mental Health. Today, I have yet another post inspired by the 30-day awareneess challenge. This one is a personal post. Two fo the questions in the chalenge are about when your symptoms started vs. when you were diagnosed and what important life events affected your mental health for the better or worse.

I have in a way always had mental health problems. That is, I was always a socially and emotionally delayed child, but my parents say I was relatively calm and cheerful until I was about seven or eight years of age. At age seven, I started learning Braille. I hated it with a vengeance. It probably was my increased awarneess of my blindness that set off my mental health problems, but it could also have been my becoming aware of my social deficits.

After all, my problems didn’t start to become severe till I moved schools at age nine, and this was precisely the time my peers stopped being protective and started excluding me. At my old school, I’d always gravitated towards older girls, most with mild learning difficulties, who acted like they were my babysitters while I showed them my academic ability. At my new school, I started in a combined fourth/fifth/sixth grade class and I was a fourth-grader. The other girls were all sixth-graders, so they knew more than did I. I did have a friend in third grade, but even with her my social deficits were becoming more pronounced.

Once I entered secondary school, my problems became even more severe. I was twelve when I experienced my first state of depression. That is, the first I can clearly remember. I do vaguely remember being suicidal (or parasuicidal) for a while when i was around eight or nine, but I’m not too sure of this. When I was twelve, I became acutely aware of my social difficulties. I devised my own interventions, but never quite knew how to follow through and, when people tried to help me, I was resistant.

At age thirteen, I went to a mainstream secondary school. I stayed there for six years and was mildly to moderately depressed all along. In fact, I think I may’ve been diagnosable with dysthymia at the time.

In the summer after my eighth grade year, when I was fifteen, I started experiencing dissociation. I felt as though I was in a movie a lot of the time and my alter parts appeard. I had had imaginary friends before, just like most girls, but this was different. I may or may not have been hearing voices at the time. I think it was more an overactive imagination coupled with some dissoication than something akin to psychosis, but my diary entries of the time make me wonder whether I was slightly out of touch with reality.

I spent the last three years of my secondary school experience functioning on autopilot most of the time. I had meltdowns several times a week and started self-injuring at age sixteen. I had been head-banging from a young age on, but had stopped more or less. At age sixteen, I started cutting.

After I graduated high school at age nineteen, I had a few months of relative calm. I went to the blindness rehabilitation center, where we had a lot of structure and one-on-one therapies. I for a bit thought I must be okay. Then when I moved to a training home for the disabled in early 2006, after a few months, the mask fell off and I crashed. I started dissociating more than I’d done before and experienced severe emotional dysregulation. Finally, in early 2007, I was diagnosed with autism.

I moved into independent living that summer and broke down within months. I was hospitalized on the acute unit in November of 2007.

To be honest, I don’t know what led to me being diagnosed with first DID/PTSD and then BPD. I mean, I know when I was diagnosed but I don’t know what got me to share my experiences of dissociation. In hindsight, however, it surprises me that BPD wasn’t diagnosed on the acute unit, because I displayed many classic signs.

Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness: BPD Explained

May is mental health month in the United States. It is also borderline personality disorder awareness mnth. BPD is my current diagnosis. I have written a few posts on this condition already, but most required some previous knowledge of BPD or mental illness in general. In honor of mental health month and BPD awareness month, I am going to write about my experiences with mental illness in this post and will share facts along the way.

I have always struggled with rapidly shifting emotions and mood swings. If it had been popular at the time and my parents had sought help for me, I might’ve been diagnosed with a childhood-onset mood disorder. I do not have bipolar disorder or major depression now, but these conditions are thought to affect children differently. In the current edition of the psychiatrist’s manual, the DSM-5, there is a diagnosis for children with severe mood swings, dysphoric (sad or angry) moods and extreme temper tantrums. This disorder is called disruptive mood dysregulation disorder. It is thought not to be lifelong, as it can only be diagnosed in children under age eleven.

I remember as a child of about nine already experiencing suicidal thoughts and making suicidal threats, particularly during meltdowns or tantrums. This is not necessairly a sign that the child is going to attemtp suicide – I never did -, but this is also not just “attention-seeking”. It is, in fact, a sign that a child is in serious distress.

Making repeated suicidal threats or attempting suicide is one of the core symptoms of borderline personality disorder. It is commonly thought that most people with BPD only threaten suicide and “aren’t serious about it”. In fact, however, about ten percent of people with this diagnosis die of suicide.

As a teen, I started self-injuring. Self-injury is also a core feature of BPD. This may have many functions other than “attention-seeking”. Of course, some people with BPD do not know how to ask for attention and instead use self-harm as a way to get it. Even then, attention is a human need and withholding it altogether will not usually solve the problem. Other functions of self-injury may include to express pain, to numb out feelings or conversely to feel something when one is feeling empty or numb.

Chronic feelings of emptiness are another symptom of BPD. Generally, a person with BPD is somewhat depressed or numb. This feeling of numbness is also common with major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and dissociative disorders, all of which commonly co-occur with BPD.

Dissociation is the feeling of being disconnected from oneself, one’s thoughts or feelings or one’s surroudnings. Symptoms of dissociation, particularly depersonalization (feeling “unreal”), are common in many mental illnesses. The most well-known specific dissociative disorder is dissociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personality disorder. My former therapist, who diagnosed me with BPD, believed that BPD and DID/MPD are on the same spectrum.

Paranoia is also common in people with BPD. However, as opposed to people with schizophrenia or related disorders, people with borderline personality disorder experience paranoia only briefly when under stress. For example, when I am overwhelmed with eotions, I tend to mistrust people and situations, while I am not usually paranoid.

Lastly, people with BPD have difficulties in relationships. Firstly, they often have an intense fear of abandonment and go to great lengths to prevent people from leaving them. Some may push people away (“I abandon you before you can abandon me”). Others, like me, are excessively clingy. People with BPD may also alternate between idolizing and devaluing the people who are important to them.

No two people with BPD or any other mental illness are alike. For a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, you only need to meet five out of nine criteria. I meet between six and eight depending on how you look at it.

Borderline personality disorder bears similarities to post-traumatic stress disorder, dissociatve disorders and mood disorders, particularly bipolar. However, the difference between bipolar and borderline personality disorder is that people with bipolar disorder experience long-lasting mood episodes, whereas people with BPD have rapidly-shifting moods. BPD cannot be diagnosed in children, although of course they can have mood swings. They may then be diagnosed with disruptive mood dysregulation disorder. Psychiatrists are beginning to diagnose BPD in adolescents starting at arund age fifteen. This is good, because, the earlier someone gets treated, the more likely they are to reach recovery.

Masks and Alter Personalities

This week, Ginny Marie’s spin cycle prompt is “masks”. I saw this topic being announced a few weeks ago already, and immediately knew I wanted to participate. Now that I’m sitting in front of the computer, a thousand thoughts spin through my mind.

Throughout my life, masks have played an important role. Not literal masks, but the figurative masks people put on, or are made to put on, to appear like something they are not. In all honesty, I’ve worn and been made to wear so many masks that I don’t know whether at a given moment I was being sincerely me or was wearing a mask.

I have many alter personalities. They’ve come to play less of an important role now that I no longer carry the diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder, as I did from 2010 until 2013, but they’re still there. These alter personalities represent aspects of my life I feel forced to disown, either by some internal or external force. Two of them have always played the most important role.

The first one is Jane. She is a strong, independent young woman. She doesn’t need much help from others. She is intelliigent and she knows it. Her only negative characteristic is that she’s a bit distant and she would rather live alone than for example with my husband. Maybe it’s because she was formed when the least of my priorities was finding friends, let alone a partner. Independence was much more important. I mostly acted like her when in high school, doing overall well. If anything, I asked for help too little.

The other is Carol. She is a young woman too, but pretty severely disabled. She has trouble with self-care, engages in self-injurious behavior, has meltdown after meltdown. She can speak, but barely communicatively so.

There are others, too. Teens, like Elena, the cheerful one, or Brenda, the angry teenager. There are young ones too, like Milou, the curious eight-year-old, and Suzanne, the seven-year-old with too many responsibilities. Some represent hopes for my future, like Esther, who is a mother. Carol and Jane, however, are the most important in shaping my current self-image.

Many people, in today’s rehabilitation-based society, expect me to disown Carol and embrace Jane. She may be a bit schizoid, but she is intelligent and independent and that’s what matters. Many people not involved in my care see her as the authentic me, not realizing she is as much a mask as Carol is, and as much a mask as all the others are.

The thing is, all these parts or masks or alters make up me. I have learned over the years to stop having to put an alter’s name to my every action. That is improvement, but it doesn’t mean the alters weren’t there when I still dissociated significantly, and it doesn’t mean they’re not there now. When I go into a welcoming Mommy community, I’m still Esther. When I craft, I’m Annemiek. When I play with Barbie dolls, I’m Little. Yet I don’t show it openly or even covertly all the time.

I still have a very unstable sense of self. That may be why I wear all these diagnostic labels that I talked about in previous posts – they help me understand myself. So do all the alter parts. I may not be putting them on like a mask to the outside world anymore, which means I’m no logner diagnosable with a dissociative disorder, but I do still inwardly experience them.

BPD Day

Today, my husband and I attended an evvent for sufferers of and family of people with borderline personality disorder. First, a psychiatrist spoke about what BPD is. He was interrupted mid-sentence by three women who had BPD themselves and felt they were in a better position to tell what it is. This looked a bit foolish as it was obviously planned. After the women were finished, the psychiatrist took over and explained about causes and treatment. One important point is that there is no one cause of BPD. In fact, BPD is caused by many factors interacting, such as environment, traumatic experiences, genetics, neurobiology, etc. Another interesting point was that there are four different therapies for BPD which are on average each equally effective. Also, the therapeutic alliance is more importan than what type of therapy you’re following. He said that therapeutic skills are important in all psychotherapy practice, but to an exaggerated extent so in BPD treatment.

Then we went to meet some peer supporters who told their stories and had us ask questions. I had expected to sit and listen but ultiately was the most talkative on my table. One of the peer supporters said she suspected she was born borderline. I have discussed this topic before. Some personality traits, such as aggressivness or risk-taking, make someone more prone to end up in traumatizing situations. Also, people with certain traits experience more seemingly minor evetns as traumatic. For example, my husband later told me he had experienced the same event that one of the peer supporters said was traumatic to her, and he was unaffected. This is one reason I don’t like the narrow DSM-5 definition of trauma in PTSD. PTSD too is as much a brain-based and genetic condition as it is trauma-based. So are the dissociative disorders by the way. I hope eventually the DSM developing people will realize this and remove the mandatory connection of PTSD to specific traumas. Science is already there on the dissociative disorders, but sufferers need to follow. Note please that I am not saying that abuse or trauma has no role in these conditions, or that it isn’t horrible when it occurs. All I’m saying is that it’s not like you’ll only and always develop PTSD or a dissociative disorder if you’ve experienced a certain trauma.

Requirements for the Proper Multiple

Tonight, I was talking on the phone to the organizer of the DID support group I was a member of for two years until I got kicked out for presumably not having DID last May. She guessed my diagnosis correctly, but went on to assume I’d imagined my DID. Well, I’m going to be completely honest here: I have indeed internalized some symptoms that I didn’t have before my diagnosis, like the amnesia, but I had known for almost ten years that I had parts when I was diagnosed. Did I imagine the splits when I was fifteen-years-old because I wanted to be crazy, while I’d never heard of DID back then? Well, I don’t think so. Of course, whether these emotional states are truly dissociative or not, depends on your perspective. The organizer got to saying incorrectly that BPD and DID have nothing in common. In reality, many people believe DID is BPD with more flair.

The organizer got talking of me quoting books on the furums. Well, that doesn’t say anything, does it? Just because I listed the criteria of BPD yesterday, doesn’t mean I don’t have BPD, right? Apparently, if you want to be authetnic, you’re going to have to have made up your own symptom list without any influence from literature. I wonder how this person, who studied psychology at university, did this. Apparently, people who’ve studied mental disorders in college cannot be diagnosed with a mental disorder themselves.

To air off a bit of steam in a healthy way, I’m going to repost and expand on the list of requirements for the proper DID’er that I compiled after being kicked out of the support group.

  1. You can’t use jargon like “co-conscious”, “inner self helper”, etc. if you’ve not had your diagnoisis forever. This is not supposed to be familiar language to a person just diagnosed.
  2. Even if you know you’ve got parts because you’ve established a fair amount of communication, you can’t walk into your therapist’s office saying you experience parts in yourself. In fact, you cannot have obvious dissociative symptoms. According to what I’ve been told, saying things happen to you but not quite to you, is not appropriate either (which is what I really came into therapy with).
  3. You must’ve gotten into therapy with seemingly irrelevant symptoms like depression, self-harm, etc. Then it’s the therapist’s duty to figure out you’re multiple, but they can’t just straight out ask if you experience parts in yourself. On occasion, they can, but you must be completely clueless to the fact that it’s not normal.
  4. You must have some doubts about your diagnosis, and you must fear that it’s all real. If you fear you’re fake, you’re obviously already a faker.
  5. You must not switch too openly or demand switches be acknowledged, cause DID is something that’s supposed to be hidden. Keeping the dissociation hidden must be an end in itself. Note that you won’t get a diagnosis of DID if the diagnostician hasn’t seen you switch.
  6. You must want to integrate.
  7. You cannot have littles who write properly. You also cannot have littles who write improperly but on the right subforum, cause how are they supposed to know where to write? However, you can’t have alterrs write on the main forum either. Why else would there be specific forums for alters?
  8. You must recognize just enough of what other DID’ers, who obviously all are not fake, say they experience, but not too much. You must be able to articulate your experiences in your own words, and others determine whether you use your own words.
  9. You must have time loss, but how you’re supposed to know you have time loss, is unclear. You can’t just say you lose time when others come out, cause how do you know? You cannot say you don’t remember something when asked, because then obviously you could pretend you forgot. I don’t know how a therapist is supposed to realize you lose time if they cannot ask, especially given that implicit memory is often intact in DID, so DID’ers act like they do remember what other identities did.
  10. In meetings, you must present as the host (with the birth name) at all times. You must be oriented to the present if you want to participate in meetings. On the other hand, you cannot actually be the person with the birth name, cause that person must’ve gone to sleep, been gone at an early age or be totally unaware of any others. How are you supposed to come to a DID meeting if you are clueless about other personalities?
  11. You must have survived horrific abuse, but in this partiuclar group, you cannot talk about it in meetings. You need to drop the occasional SRA reference to make clear that you are an authetnic survivor.
  12. You must validate others’ every experience, but you cannot say you can relate.
In short, you’re required to have just enough in common with other people in the group to be able to benefit from shared experience, but you cannot recognize too much or it’d be seen as imitating.