Welcome to day 3 in the #AtoZChallenge 2018, in which I share random reflections. Today, for my letter C post, I’m going to write about children – or the lack thereof. YOu see, I am childless sort of by choice. Want to know more? Read on.
As regular readers of this blog will know, I have multiple disabilities. I am blind, autistic and mentally ill, among other things. Any one of these disabilities would’ve been grounds for involuntary sterilization had I lived some forty years ago. Even now, it may be relatively easy for me to get sterilized should I so choose. After all, many people are still of the opinion that certain people with disabilities shouldn’t have children.
Now I should be politically correct and say I strongly disagree with this stance. However, with regards to my own personal situation, I don’t. I can see why I wouldn’t be fit to be a parent and the reasons are not entirely unrelated to my disabilities.
I never really had any sort of strong “Mommy feelings”. That being said, as a child and teen, I always thought I’d have children when I’d grow up. It probably was society’s expectations that planted this idea in my head, as I never quite imagined how lovely it would be to hold a wee little baby, or how I’d ooh and aah at my four-year-old’s clay sculpture.
As a child, I obviously couldn’t believe why people didn’t like children. I was a child and I liked myself. Besides, everyone has been a child at some point, so how could they not like children? Now that I’m an adult though, I don’t particularly like children. I don’t hate them either, but I don’t feel I should be having one or more myself.
Society’s expectations do not get unnoticed by me though. This I think is the main reason I’m still not entirely happy with my choice not to ever try for a child. I also sometimes wish I would be a good mother, but to be honest, I can’t be.
As such, I find myself inbetween the childless not by choice and the childfree/childless by choice communities. I am childless by choice, but I a not really happy woth this choice.