Dear Transition

Like I said a few weeks ago, I bought the 22-day life transitions journaling workbook. I didn’t use it consistently, so I only finished the first day’s exercise and read the one for day two. It sounded particularly hard to me, but today, I’m trying to take up the challenge. The assignment is to write a letter to the transition in your life, in my case, the move out of the institution. You should be as honest as possible and can rant all you want. Then, let the transition respond. Here goes.

Dear transition,

Screw you, why do you have to happen? Why can’t things just stay the same. I know that’s not ideal, but that’s all I’ve known for the past 8 1/2 years. This institution life feels safe. Call me dependent all you want, I don’t care. I don’t know what happens when I leave the institutio. I fear I’ll fall flat on my face and not be able to cope.

Besides, I never planned on living independently again. I never learned to cope in a less restrictive environment, because that wasn’t the goal. Even since it’s been the goal that I live with my husband for the past 1 1/2 years, I still never learned to cope. I tried an afternoon at home here and there, but I still feel utterly overwhelmed when I’m at home for longer than a few days.

I don’t know what you expect of me anyway. My husband wants me to live with him, but I don’t even know wha the expects out of me. He probably expects me to take care of some housekeeping, which I haven’t done i years. Evernything else is uncertain too. I haven’t found day activities, haven’t been accepted by the mental health agency. I know you will happen – I will move in with my husband -, but I don’t even know when. So stop bothering me.

Astrid

Dear Astrid,

You sound angry at me. I’m sorry about that, because I never meant to piss you off. I am uncertain, I know, and I know that scares you. I know your control has been taken away by the psychologist, who decided seemingly arbitrarily that this is the point at which you need to stick to your decision. Then again, she’s right. You can’t waste your life away in the institution, and i know you don’t want to either. It may feel safe now, but safety isn’t all you need. You want to develop yourself, too.

Try to be confident that your treatment team will put a safety net in place should you not be able to cope. Try also to focus on the opportunities I will award you. I know you have so many dreams that you sometimes don’t even want to write about. I know that I won’t guarantee you that you’ll be able to make your dreams come true, but sitting on your butt in the institution certainly won’t make them come true. Try to stop dreaming and fearing and start living. Good luck.

Your transition

10 thoughts on “Dear Transition

  1. I’m sorry that your life is overwhelming at the moment and may not get better for awhile. You will get there it’s just going to take time and a few uncomfortable situations. You can do it. I believe in you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am in the beginning of TRANSITION mode right now … As a new chapter of my life will begin on Nov 12th of this year… And I am trying my best to keep calm about it but I do believe I am secretly FREAKING OUT! haha! That being said, the person I am making this life change with is amazing, so that helps keep me calmer

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can relate. The transition I’m in right now, as you may’ve made out, is to go live together with my husband (out of a long-term institution placement). I’m assuming your transition has something to do with your relationship too. It is always good to focus on how amazing the people accompanying us on our transitions are in these cases.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! You have a lot going on right now! I can certainly understand why you are experiencing apprehension and anxiety. Have you found that writing about it is helping? I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

    Liked by 1 person

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