Transitioning: The End of the Tunnel

On May 1, Mari L. McCarthy started the 22-day life transitions journaling challenge. I didn’t sign up, since I had just failed on committing to the whole health challenge in April. However, today I bought the challenge eBook – from KObo, not Mari’s own site, since it’s much cheaper on Kobo. Since I am about to start in what may be the most important transition of my life, I thought I’d try my hand at the challenge. For day one, we’re supposed to meditate on where we are right now and where we want to be headed.

I visualize the point where I’m now as being at the beginning of a tunnel. It’s not necessarily a dark tunnel, but I can’t see the end of it as I look into it. Nonetheless, i know it will end somewhere in the tiny village, in my husband’s and my home. I can only head this way, but since I can’t see what’s inside the tunnel, I cannot see what’s going to come onto my path as I head into the tunnel. I know where this will end, but I don’t know how or when. After all, no definite date has been set for my discharge from the institution. Though I will have the “kitchen table talk” with the social consultant on Monday, right now I have no idea how I will cross this tunnel and what I’ll find at the end of it.

I can however hear my husban calling me from the other end. I can hear him cheer me up that it’d be so great and utterly exciting to be together at last. I can hear my psychologist and social worker on my current end of the tunnel telling me that I wanted to go into it and come out at home. Even as I sit here, more than a year into the process of arranging for my transition out of the institution, I still am not sure that this is really what I want.

Sometimes, I idealize the end of the tunnel, what it’ll be like to be home. I see my husband lovingly embracing me. As he takes me into his arms, I know that I’m happy being with him and this was the best decision I could’ve made. I go to day activities. My psychologist already shot the snoezelen idea I came up with a few months ago, so I’ll go swimming and doing yoga and going for walks instead. I will meet some nice people at day activities or through the community. I’ll be much more independent than I am now, being able to do some cooking and cleaning on my own. I’ll eventually take up some classes again. My husband loves me when he comes home from work and we’re both happy.

At other times, such as right now, I devalue the end of the tunnel. I look at it as one dark pit in which I’ll fall. My husband and I constantly step on each other’s toes. When he’s home, I’m annoyed by him and he’s annoyed by me. When he’s at work, I’m at home alone sleeping the day away or daydreaming of harming myself. I don’t even have my blog anymore, since my husband doesn’t want me to write about my life at home and I can’t think of anything else to write about. I have nothing left except myself.

However, I will get through. I say this so that even if I don’t believe in it now, I won’t leave a bad omen by being all negative. I will make this transition and it may be hard, but it’s also good. No matter what, my husband loves me.

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18 thoughts on “Transitioning: The End of the Tunnel

  1. You mentioned what has been advised to you. To get out. So why don’t you have a look at groups, like a running group, walking group, art group and just do things because you can. I go for a long walk every day and just take in the scenery and enjoy the calm. Stay positive and you’ll get through it.

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  2. I think the best thing you can do for yourself, husband and home is to find something that you like doing and will bring some much needed company instead of staying at home alone. I am sure you town has some groups you can join

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    1. Yes, I definitely need to get some useful activities to do. The problem with this is I’m multiply-disabled so most regular sports or arts clubs are not suitable for me. The village itself doesn’t have anything since it’s such a tiny village, but I’m still looking for ideas to get myself busy in the nearby towns and cities.

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  3. It’s funny how we found ourselves on our own way. There are heaps of people telling you to do this and that to be a better version of you. However, in the end, it’s only us who could actually help ourselves. I loved this post, very inspiring!

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    1. That’s the hard part about where I am now. I am dependent on others, like the people in the institution where I reside now and the people who will decide on care for when I’m moving in with my husband. It’s hard to follow my own path when I’m not a hermit and even if I were, I have my mental illness that makes it hard to know what I need/want in life. I however want to say, your comment reminded me that of course we do have a choice to be positive everyday.

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  4. I liked how you describe the tunnel as not necessarily being dark but that you cannot see the end. I’d never thought about things that way and it’s given me a new perspective on things. I hope that at the end of this you do find the happiness that awaits in your husband’s arms and home.

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  5. This post was truly inspiring and I am sending you my best wishes. With personal circumstances, I sometimes feel like the tunnel I am is neverending and I cannot see the light at the end. But even though I cannot see the light at the end just now, I firmly believe that the light is there and I’ll reach it one day.

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  6. Gosh! That was a hard read but not in a bad way. Its just that I see some of me in this post and it hits home. All I can say is keep your head up sugar and brighter days are coming – stay positive! ❤
    Thank you so much for sharing
    Charlotte x

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