Fear of Demands

I admit it, I have a fear of demands. I originally wrote that I have a fear of independence. In fact, I thought for a while that I may have dependent personality disorder. People with DPD have a pathological need to be taken care of. They can’t make everyday decisions without a lot of counsel, need others to take full responsibility for the bigger decisions in their life, and may even stay in abusive relationships out of fear of losing someone to take care of them. They appear incredibly easy on therapists at first, agreeing with their every counsel. On a deper level though, this is just a way of maintaining the care relationship.

I still believe I have some traits of DPD, but this last bit is where I realized dependence may not be the core of things. I am not easy on a therapist at all. In fact, I remember being seen as very defiant when I was on a locked unit in 2007 and 2008.

I do have a fear of practical independence, I admit. Then again, it’s more a fear of other people taking contorl over what I can and can’t do practically. I’d love in fact to have full control over deciding what I can and can’t do independently. My fear is not of doing things independently myself, but of other people deciding I can do them independently.

This is where pathological demand avoidance enters the picture. PDA is a conditon along the autism spectrum in which people have a persistent anxiety of direct demands placed on them. They often appear defiant, but underneath this is a deep fear. It could be fear of failure in some ways, but it’s more.

There is an interesting aspect to my fear of doing things independently, and that’s that I can do them fine when no-one’s watching me. Also, when I take the initiative to do things independently I can do them much better than when others tell me to do them. I remember E-mailing around for a therapist to treat my dissociation in 2012 and I had no problem doing it. (I stll had anxiety about it, of course, but that’s more fear of the response.) I called the social consultant and client advocacy organization last week and was fine. On the other hand, when someone asks me to make a phone call or E-mal someone, it’s much harder for me. I also took the initiative to go live with my husband. Then, when my staff took away my control over it and demanded I show certain capabilities if I wanted to live with him, I backed away.

Unfortunately, the care system is built on the premise that psychiatric patients just need a little pushing to do things independently. Despite the rehabilitation and recovery models, which I applaud, people are only allowed to take control if they’ve shown their competence first. I cannot do this. It scares the crap out of me. I want recovery without having to prove myself. Hopefully, I’ll be able to accomplish this when I live with my husband.

Linking up with Finish the Sentence Friday. A little late, i know. The prompt sentence was: “One of the biggest fears that I’ve ever had to face…”.

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5 thoughts on “Fear of Demands

  1. i would not like someone to take away my control either. you should be allowed to do things at your own pace, not when others think you should be able to. i hope you dont have to continue proving yourself…that isnt fair on you. XX

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It seems to me that they should recognize this about you and let you try to live with your husband and see how it goes. I hope that you can get what you want and let go of some of your fear. Thank you for linking up with Finish the Sentence.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am on the autism spectrum and I hate being told what to do. I do fear failure and I’m always trying to prove myself, but I don’t do things I’m told to do because I just hate that people have the audacity to tell me what to do. Even when I tell myself what to do, I won’t do it. I was just telling myself this morning, “This goal thing isn’t working out for me. Today’s goal is to lay in bed all day,” so that way I’ll do the opposite. I think it might be a little Oppositional Defiance Disorder honestly, but undiagnosed we’ll never know… Meanwhile, my sister has a dependency issue and rightfully so. When she left her husband, her life fell apart. It’s like she purposely made every bad decision just to self-destruct…. Meanwhile, I’ve endured some short-term lock down hospital situations…. But I wanted to throw out there in what ways I do empathize so that way you can understand what I really want to say. I believe our mental health is a physical manifestation of the soul. It takes years for a soul to heal, sometimes it’s a life-long mission because the only thing that will heal it is God. I honestly think all those self-help worksheets psychology thrives on is ridiculous, but I did them anyway because I was desperate for improvement. In that same sense, focus on your spirit for a while. Pray to whatever god you choose, but pray. Meditate. Look up chakra’s and health and do those ideas, like in my case, my physical ailments makes it appear I have blockage in my lower chakras, and wow that sounds so silly to say it, but anyway the recommendation for it is more physical activity which I’ve been avoiding lately. Getting up and moving around has made me feel better. I didn’t know any of this. I had to Google it. But do some sort of spiritual activity in your daily regiment, and learn about your spirit in whatever way you are comfortable. There really is no right or wrong religion. God is God. There is a God, and He can be any religion, yet not everyone in those religions are praying to the right God. He surpasses religion, so focus on a good, benevolent creator who believes in peace, forgiveness (that’s a big one, forgiving ourselves is difficult), and love. Thank you for reading my incredibly long comment. I really just want to offer the best help I can give because I care.

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