I admit it, I have a fear of demands. I originally wrote that I have a fear of independence. In fact, I thought for a while that I may have dependent personality disorder. People with DPD have a pathological need to be taken care of. They can’t make everyday decisions without a lot of counsel, need others to take full responsibility for the bigger decisions in their life, and may even stay in abusive relationships out of fear of losing someone to take care of them. They appear incredibly easy on therapists at first, agreeing with their every counsel. On a deper level though, this is just a way of maintaining the care relationship.
I still believe I have some traits of DPD, but this last bit is where I realized dependence may not be the core of things. I am not easy on a therapist at all. In fact, I remember being seen as very defiant when I was on a locked unit in 2007 and 2008.
I do have a fear of practical independence, I admit. Then again, it’s more a fear of other people taking contorl over what I can and can’t do practically. I’d love in fact to have full control over deciding what I can and can’t do independently. My fear is not of doing things independently myself, but of other people deciding I can do them independently.
This is where pathological demand avoidance enters the picture. PDA is a conditon along the autism spectrum in which people have a persistent anxiety of direct demands placed on them. They often appear defiant, but underneath this is a deep fear. It could be fear of failure in some ways, but it’s more.
There is an interesting aspect to my fear of doing things independently, and that’s that I can do them fine when no-one’s watching me. Also, when I take the initiative to do things independently I can do them much better than when others tell me to do them. I remember E-mailing around for a therapist to treat my dissociation in 2012 and I had no problem doing it. (I stll had anxiety about it, of course, but that’s more fear of the response.) I called the social consultant and client advocacy organization last week and was fine. On the other hand, when someone asks me to make a phone call or E-mal someone, it’s much harder for me. I also took the initiative to go live with my husband. Then, when my staff took away my control over it and demanded I show certain capabilities if I wanted to live with him, I backed away.
Unfortunately, the care system is built on the premise that psychiatric patients just need a little pushing to do things independently. Despite the rehabilitation and recovery models, which I applaud, people are only allowed to take control if they’ve shown their competence first. I cannot do this. It scares the crap out of me. I want recovery without having to prove myself. Hopefully, I’ll be able to accomplish this when I live with my husband.
Linking up with Finish the Sentence Friday. A little late, i know. The prompt sentence was: “One of the biggest fears that I’ve ever had to face…”.