Bar of Expectations #MondayMusings

Last week, I was readig the book Believarexic by J.J. johnson. I have not been able to get far into the book, because I got easily triggered. The book is about a girl, Jennifer, probably the author as a teen, who has an eating disorder. She eventually decides to tell her parents and have her Mom call a hospital for help. At the intake interview, Jennifer’s Mom is skeptical that Jennifer really has an eating disorder and isn’t just seeking attention. The psychologist tells them that only time will tell whether Jennifer’s eating disorder is legitimate. Legitimate. As if it were some rite of passage. In the hospital world of course, it is: without a mental illness, you aren’t admitted to a psychiatric unit.

This all reminds me of my own experience being admitted into the psychiatric hospital in 2007. The psychiatrist had to practically make up a diagnosis to get me admitted. That is, she diagnosed me with an adjustment disorder, which is really an extreme, debilitating reaction to stress. It is serious, but it is not a severe mental illness. Basic health insurance in the Netherlands as of 2012 no longer covers care for it. Of course, there are exceptions. I was suicidal, so I probably would still get care under these new insurance guidelines.

The story goes on with Jennifer being admitted to the eating disorders unit. One of the rules of the unit is patients having to resign complete responsibility over their eating habits. That was another trigger. In today’s treatment models, patients are usually required to take a lot of responsibility for themselves. Certainly patients with eating disorders are. So are patients with, well, borderline personality disorder, which is what I’m diagnosed with.

It isn’t that I’d like to resign all my responsibility. In truth, if I could, I’d be completely self-reliant. But I can’t, and I’m stuck in the middle between self-reliance and dependence. This is terribly hard. It means I constantly need to negotiate the right kind of help and the right level of independence and assistance.

Today, as I was on the edge of a meltdown, I told a nurse I’d rather be sent to the locked ward and stay there for the rest of my life. Regardless fo the fact that no-one can just stay on a locked ward without any sort of participation in their treatment being expected of them, I’ve not had good experiences on locked units. I rather meant that I’d finally like to make a choice between being completely self-reliant and responsible and being completely dependent. As I can’t choose complete independence, I’d choose dependence instead.

More so, I don’t want people’s expectations to constantly exceed my abilities so much. Currently, I’m constantly reaching for a bar of expectations that, no matter how high on my toes I stand, I just can’t reach. I’m thinking of jumping to the bar so high I fall flat on my face. Then at least people have to lower the bar.

#MondayMusings

One thought on “Bar of Expectations #MondayMusings

  1. Sorry you have this bar to try to reach. Its horrible when people expect so much out of us and we even expect it of ourselves. when we cant meet the expectations we set ourselves we consider ourselves a failure. I can relate to that. XX

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s