Today I heard about a type of journal where you get a question for every day of the year and answer it each year for five consecutive years. It unfortunately is a paper journal and there is no eBook version or website for the questions. I however heard that one of the questions the person writing about this found the most inspiring was: “What was the best decision you ever made?” I find this question inspiring too so am going to answer it on my blog.
I’m going to be pretty selfish here. I mean, I should of course say the best decision I ever made was to marry my husband. Maybe I’ll answer that next year, when I’ve lived with him for a while. I hope so. This year, however, I’m going to choose a decision that was hardly a conscious decision. I mean the decision, in 2007, to allow the crisis service psychiatrist to hospitalize me.
I wonder what it says about me that this came to mind first, rather than the decision to marry my husband or to enter in a romantic relationship with him. I’m a bit afraid it means I’m not fully ready to see myself as a wife first and a psych patient only after that. I have to be honest, after all, that when my staff push me regarding going to live with my husband, I still say I have no other options and only then say that I of course want to be with my husband. I for clarity’s sake don’t mean this to say that I don’t want to be with my husband most of the time. Instead, I use these phrases to counter the staff’s assertion that I choose to enter independent living. I never chose independent living, I chose to be with my husband, and part of the reason I’m going to live with my husband in our new house in the tiny village is no other options have come up.
My relationship with my husband obviously means a lot to me, and I don’t think I’d be remotely as happy as I am now without him. But without being hospitalized, I’d be off a lot worse. Never mind the fact that my husband most likely wouldn’t have pursued a relationship with me had I not been hospitalized.
My hospitalization, frankly, allowed me a chance to live. I know, I most likely wouldn’t have died by suicide had I not been hospitalized. Even though back then was the darkest time of my life and I seriously contemplated suicide, I know in hindsight that I didn’t have the means to take my own life. I also would most likely not have died by any other means if I hadn’t been hospitalized. In this sense, was my hospitalization maybe not necessary? I don’t know, but it certainly gave me a chance to live rather than merely survive. This is why consenting to psychiatric hospitalization was the best decision of my life.