I have truly been relapsing in the eating disorder department lately. I don’t really know why, other than the fact that I’m quite irritable lately. This, though, seems to be a vicious cycle: I go from irritability to thinking about bingeing or purging to actually bingeing or purging and back to irritability.
In order to help myslef think clearer about my disordered eating habits, I bought the eBook Journaling in Eating Disorder Recovery by Laurie Glass. The book contains a multitude of suggestions for journaling yourself into recovery. One of the suggestions is to make lists, for example of feelings or thoughts. I really love list-making.
The book also contains journaling questions. I don’t know whether a pro/con list for your eating disorder is in them, but I made one recently. I made it for a pro-eating disorder site that I used to go to, but I left it. I might still be a member but don’t want to trigger myself by checking the list there. Let me make a new one.
Pros of my eating disorder:
- Relieving stress.
- Feeling something in my body rather than in my mind.
- Being able to eat as much as I want of the foods I love. This one isn’t really true, as I’m not sure I want to eat till I’m nauseated. I however have the thought that if I recover, I need to adhere to a strict diet and can never have candy or pizza again.
- Avoiding the physical and mental sensations of hunger.
- Expressing that I’m not feeling well. This may be in the sense that eating disorder behaviors are a cry for attention, but also that they impress the reality of my struggles upon myself.
- Avoiding pressures such as college or work or independent living.
Cons of my eating disorder:
- Weight gain and the resulting obesity.
- Acid reflux from purging. Possible esophagus damage as a result.
- Not being able to engage in healthy social interactions because of having food on my mind all the time.
As you can see, I find I can think of far more pros for my eating disorder than cons. However, ultimately, these pros are based on the idea that I do not cycle from irritability to thoughts about disordered eating habits to eating disorder behaviors and back to irritability. In reality, the stress relief, for example, is very short-lived. For instance, I just binged terribly about an hour ago and have been feeling guilty and angry for the past thirty minutes at least.