One of the questions in the 31 days of BPD challenge asks us to list five of our worst fears. I just came across a journaling prompt that asks the same quesiton, but had me explore these fears more in depth. I don’t know where this will take me, but I’m going to list some of my fears and journal about them.
1. Demands. This is really my number one fear. I go crazy everytime a person expects me to go out of my comfort zone. It isn’t that I can’t go out of my comfort zone per se. I take leaps out of it on my own regularly. It’s more the pressure from others that I fear. For example, I tend to be far more capable as far as practical skills are concerned when no-one is looking. I also sometimes take the initiative to try new skills when people are looking but are not expecting me to do these things. On the other hand, when someone tells me I can do something and demands I demonstrate this ability, I freeze, flee or fight.
2. Growing up. Sounds weird for someone who is almost in her thirties, but I mean this in some ways related to the above one. However, it is different in that growing up for me means missing out on things expected of people my age as a result in part of my demand avoidance. I am not sure this dislike of growing up is truly a fear in the traditional sense of the word. It seems it’s more like a sense of dissonance, because in some ways, I’m still a teen at heart.
3. Abandonment. This is really the root fear that causes fear of rejection and on the surface fear of crticism in general. I am a terrible grudge-holder myself, but also tend to hold on to shame for a long time. As a result, I tend to fear that people are going to abandon me if they’ve been even slightly critical of me, because I tend to assume these people hold onto grudges for as long as I do.
4. Illness. I admit it, I’m somewhat of a hypochondriac. I fear falling ill with a life-threatening condition all the time. Then again, I also tend to be fascinated by this possibility. For example, I am drawn to reading books on people with life-threatening or life-altering illnesses. In this sense, my attitude towards this possibility has changed over time. In 2008, I was convinced I’d die that year and it scared the crap out of me. Now, I’m more fascinated than fearful.
5. Poison. I have mentioned this one before I believe. I have always had this irrational fear of being poisoned. I also may exhibit some magical thinking related to this. For example, I used to believe that tap water was really the latest poison I’d heard of. Because of my fear of poison, I developed some compulsive behaviors. For example, when I still had some sight, I’d check the color of liquids I was about to drink to make sure they weren’t poison. I did similar things in relation to the fear of illness I mentioned above.