I have a confession to make. I often hide my real opinions in order to “fit in” with a community. Particularly my faith-based posts have been polished to suit a conservative Christian audience, even though I am not that conservative at all. Not that my faith-based posts are popular – they’re among my least popular posts -, so I don’t need to do this for readership either. I’m no longer going to polish my opinions to suit any particular audience.
With faith in particular, I believe it’s God’s job to judge people, not people’s. Just because Christianity is the largest religion in the world, and just because conservative Christians are the most vocal on the Internet, doesn’t mean they own the truth. God owns the truth.
Besides, God knows my heart. If He is going to condemn me for opposing corporal punishment or supporting LGBT rights, He’s going to condemn me more for being a coward and concealing my real opinions on my blog. I could use the fact that I did not fully understand the meaning of the English word “paddling” as an excuse for last Thursday’s post, but I won’t. I have always firmly opposed even spanking, and I’m not giving up my right to this opinion.
I know I have a tendency to try to fit my beliefs, and quite frankly any otehr part of my identity, into a particular mold, to use concrete, tangible terms to describe myself. This has led me to try to fit in with, for example, the Christian community. I have in fact been somewhat active on forums that explicitly prohibit “promoting” homosexuality. This is not only doing a disservice to the LGBT people I support and the LGBT community at large, but also doing a disservice to the real me.
I believe in God. I consider the Bible an important source of inspiration, but so do I other spiritual texts. People can think they are sure that the Christian faith, or their particular version of it, is the only rihgt way to God. I am too skeptical to be sure of this. Only God knows. And if people are going to kick me off their forums or out of their Facebook groups or going to prevent me from linking up with their linkies because of my particular beliefs, so be it. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad. I do have a deep longing to belong, to be approved and to gain recognition. I probably need to work on coping with this need. I need to stop wanting to be a real anything other than myself.