#HighFunctioningMeans I Can Hold It Together Until Finally I Can’t

I had been doing quite well mental health-wise for a few weeks. I was in fact doing so well that I was beginning to doubt anything is wrong with me. Maybe I don’t have autism and borderline personality disorder after all.

Then on Thursday, I started feeling a bit cranky. I thought I was coming down with the flu again, as many people seem to get it a second time around. The self-doubts also became worse. Maybe I am too “high-functioning” to be in an institution, like so many parents of “low-functioning” autistic children used to say when I still had stronger opinions on autism than I do now. Maybe I fake the whole of my mental illness and developmental disability.

Then on Friday night all came crashing down. I had this huge autistic, borderline meltdown. I ran off the ward with just socks on my feet not realizing it was too cold and rainy for not wearing shoes. I was actually very confused. When a few people came by, I called out for help, but they went on chatting and, I thought, filming me. I have never been truly psychotic, but psychotic-like symptoms are common with both some forms of autism and borderline personality disorder.

Long story short, after melting down more on the ward once the staff found me, I spent the night in seclusion. I don’t advocate forced seclusion on anyone who isn’t physically harming anyone, and I wasn’t at the time, but I was confused enough that I could physically harm myself. I went into seclusion voluntarily.

About a week ago, some autistic bloggers launched a hashtag on Twitter: #HighFunctioningMeans. They meant to raise awareness of what it is like to be (seen as) high-functioning but still be autistic. I would like to contribute to this hashtag with this post.

I don’t have meltdowns everyday. Not anymore since going on a high dose of an antipsychotic. Before I went on medication, a day without meltdowns was indeed a rarity. Though I don’t become physically aggressive towards other people anymore, I have broken a huge amount of objects and become self-injurious. I in fact have done all the things parents of “low-functioning” autistics say their child does while in a meltdown, including as a teen becoming physically aggressive towards people. Now that I’m an adult, I still hand-bite, head-bang, throw objects, run into the streets, etc.

I am not proud of these behaviors. I wouldn’t medicate myself with heavy duty medications if I were. I do advocate finding better treatments for autistic irritability. The reason I write this, however, is to demonstrate that those who appear to be “high-functioning” on the Internet, or even those who appear “high-functioning” when you first meet them, can be severely disturbed when eventually they can’t hold it together anymore.

6 thoughts on “#HighFunctioningMeans I Can Hold It Together Until Finally I Can’t

  1. I hate the words “high functioning” I am most probably classed as a high functioning person with BPD, however inside I never feel like it – I put on a brave face at times, but I never feel awesome, I never feel secure. Its all good to say I am high functioning on some days – but a lot of the time I’m not..

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    1. Oh, I don’t like the high-functioning/low-functioning divide in BPD either. It was described in an article (on BPD411 or something like it) that “high-functioning” borderlines are a pain in the butts of others while “low-functioning” borderlines do stuff like self-harm etc. As far as I’m concerned, functioning levels determine how well you can function in daily life, not anything else, and no-one with a significant mental illness or developmental disability is high-functioning when compared to the non-mentally ill and neurotypical.

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