November, in the United Stats, is prematurity awareness month. In honor of preemies and prematurity awarness month, Michelle over at Preemie Blessings has started a challenge. Her first challenge is to answer on one of your social media networks who you are celebrating during prematurity awareness month. Now most preemie bloggers are parents so will mention their children. I’m not a parent, but a preemie myself, and I am just going to be bold and celebrate my very own self!
November is a tough month for me usually. It means adjusting to the end of daylight saving time, the start of colder weather and, well, fall and winter blues. November 2 also marks the anniversary of my first suicide note in 2001 and my suicidal crisis in 2007 which led to my psychiatric institutionalization. I know what it is like to feel like I no longer want to live, but I also know what it is like to feel like a surviovr, and to celebrate it!
I was born at somewhere between 25 and 26 weeks gestation in June of 1986. During my three months in neonatal care, I endured various complications. From one of them, retinopathy of prematurity, I’ve been legally blind all my life and am now totally blind. The others are a mystery in some ways. I had a possible brain bleed, but it wasn’t suspected until hydrocephalus was diagnosed in November. You know, they didn’t do CT-scans or MRIs routinely back then. I also had a lung infection when I was still in the NICU and RSV when I’d been home a few months, but not sure whether I had the A’s and B’s (apnea and bradycardia) that so many preemie parents worry about.
I once read this inaugural speech by a professor of neonatology or something, who said that lung problems, retinopathy of prematurity and brain bleeds are the three conditions that predict poor outcome in preemies. I don’t know whether this professor drew the connection, but I did draw one between poor outcome and “quality of life” and further worried that babies with all three conditions, like myself, should not be allowed to survive.
I still struggle with the thought that I shouldn’t have survived and with suicidal ideation at times. Life is tough sometimes, especially now that I’m worrying about the upcoming cuts to care that will take effect in 2015. I worry that I’ll be left to my own resources, like I was in 2007, and that I will fall into a crisis again. This worry has almost led to a mini-crisis already.
But let’s move on to the positive. I celebrate myself and my life, after all. Here are some things that make my life worth living.
- Being married to my wonderful husband.
- The support from people on social networking sites.
- Being able to read Preemie Blessings and so many other lovely blogs.
- The Internet in general.
- Being able to express myself in writing.
- My creativity and the help I get at day activities to express it.
- My faith.
Today, I can say I’m glad to be alive. I say this with a bit of a knot in my throat, but I say it nonetheless.