Tomorrow, I’m having a dietician’s appointment. I have probably gained a lot of weight and at the very least my eating habits have been crap. I am feeling that focusing on weight loss doesn’t always help me. I’m not even sure I’m motivated to lose weight, but I am definitely motivated to stop bingeing. Or am I? In order to motivate myself, or examine why I am or am not motivated for recovery, I looked up eating disorder recovery challenges. I’m not active on Tumblr, where most such challenges are hosted, but I thought I could do one on my blog.
For day one of this challenge, you are asked to write a letter to your addiction or disorder. Here goes.
Dear binge eating,
You have been with me since early adolescence or before. You crept into my life slowly. At age fourteen, I read an article in a teenage magazien about eating disorders, and, like so many teen girls, I was touched. I didn’t want an eating disorder, but I was struggling. I did want a way to express my struggle. Little did I know that you had already entered my life.
The article was mostly about anorexia. I admired these young women, in a way, because they had perseverance. In another way, I felt that if I had an eating disorder, maybe then people would see I struggled. I started counting calories and using a food diary, but I never stopped eating. In fact, I overate. You were already in my life. I didn’t realize you were an eating disorder just the same.
For a while in adolescence, and then again for a while in my mid-twenties, I had bulimic tendencies. These gave me a reason to believe I was really struggling. I took you seriously, but wasn’t really motivated to let go of you. I was at a healthy weight, but because I purged, I had an eating disorder. I joined Proud2Bme, a Dutch eating disorder recovery site. Not that I really wanted to recover. In fact, I at one poitn joined a pro-ana site. I was already ovrweight by this point.
I stopped purging in 2012, and from then on, I was “in recovery”. I didn’t like this point, because I was still struggling, and I still had a need to feel that my pain was real. I don’t mean this, for clarity’s sake, towards others. I hardly ever disclosed that I had purged when I still did. But to myself, purging had to be in my life to justify my pain.
Meanwhile, you took over more and more of my life. I didn’t realize you were a problem until I reached obesity. At that point, I realized you were in my life, and you were serious. This wasn’t till about half a year ago.
You are strong. I think of you on a daily basis. Sometimes, I cling to you, and sometimes, I curse at you. You have caused me to gain over 30 pounds since 2011. Yet you’ve been in my life much longer, I know. In middle and high school, I would buy a sausage roll and bag of candies every single day. I remember one day in seventh grade, buying five candy bars. My classmates told me I was being outrageous, but I ate them all anyway. I didn’t really know what was normal. Now I do.
I am not sure at this point I want to get rid of you. You fulfill my need to do something about my strong, unstable emotions. You fulfill a need for instant gratification that I’ve always had. Yet if I don’t get rid of you, this is making you worse, and making the need for instant gratification worse by reinforcing it. But if I do get rid of you, will the need go away, or will you just be replaced with some other addiction? I will have to find this out, but I do want to take on the challenge and try to get rid of you.