Today, I came across a post by the mother of an adult with Down Syndrome on the topic of birthdays and more specifically, crying on your child’s birthday because you’re worried about their future. I left a lengthy comment, on which I want to expand here.
My parents probably cried on my birthdays too. At least they were usually emotional. I don’t know whether they worried about my future, but they sure thought about it a lot. I survived the neonatal intensive care unit with several disabilities, some of which wouldn’t be diagnosed until many years, decades even, later. I had had a brain bleed, retinopathy of prematurity, and a few other complications. My parents knew soon that I would be severely visually impaired, possibly blind. I don’t know whether they knew or cared about my other disabilities.
My parents started thinking about my future early on. They started communicating to me about my future early on. At age nine, I knew that I was college-bound and had to move out of the house by age eighteen. I don’t know whether it’s normal to plan so far ahead for a non-disabled child. My parents didn’t do this with my younger sister as far as I know.
It is understandable. With non-disabled children, independent living and college or employment are the default. Positive parents, we’re told by the disability community, keep the bar of expectations high, so they expect the same from their disabled children that they do from their non-disabled children. To be honest, I hate this attitude, which sends the message that to be successful is to meet up to non-disabled standards. We aren’t non-disabled, for goodness’ sake.
Let disabled children be children please. I understand it if parents worry about their child’s future, especially in societies that don’t have socialized health care and if the child is severely disabled. I understand that these worries get somehow communicated to the child. There’s no way of preventing this. What you can do, is minimize the worrying as much as posoible and turn it into positive but also unconditionally accepting encouragement.