Today, I had a discussion with my psychiatrist. I’ve been feeling okay overall, but, when my therapist and social worker got talking to me about going into supported housing, it caused me to be irritable for days. I notice this a lot lately: when I’m able to stay in the present and just do my thing, I’ll still have some mood swings, but they aren’t nearly as severe as when I need to focus on the future. My therapist and I are clearly not on the same page in terms of my goals, and this causes me intense frustration. I’ve reached for my PRN medication almost everyday last week, even though it isn’t effective. At least the though that something would be numbing me and I had some control over my emotions was there.
My psychiatrist pretty much said that situational frustration is not a reason to reach for meds, and he’s right. That’s one of the main reasons I stopped my Risperdal, which had been used to make me just numb enough not to have a crisis while living independently, but not so numb that I didn’t feel the intense pain anymore. In a way, I want nothing to do with my increased dose of Abilify either. It wasn’t increased now, but it’s been increased twice since I came here seven months ago, while I’d been stable at a moderate dose for three years before I cam here. Medication isn’t a cure for shitty circumstances.
Yet I reach for medication everytime I feel frustrated. It’s probably what I’ve been learning to do. I can’t get more support if my therapist doesn’t want me to get it, and it’s still a fact that in psychiatric institutions, patients have little say in their treatment, unless their treatment goals are in line with the latest treatment philosophy. Back when patients had to be locked up for the rest of their lives, people wanting to move into the community, were medicated, secluded and otherwise forced into submission. Now that psychiatric services have to face budget cuts and their philosophy has changed to rehabilition, patients like me, who cannot cope with this pressure, are, albeit more subtly, still forced into submission. Still, the only way to numb the agitation that I feel at people trying to control my life, is to reach for my meds. It isn’t going to get me out of this vicious cycle, but then again, what is?