A while ago, I mentioned having read in a women’s magazine about two people who were parents of adults with borderline personality disorder. I just reread these stories, and the first one attributed all his daughter’s unfavorable characteristics – the fact that she only came around when she needed her parents, the fact that she wouldn’t allow the parents to see her child, etc. -, to BPD. This is a pretty common theme. If you c heck out any site for family of borderlines, you’ll see that borderlines are inevitably characterized as unloveable and their unloveability is inevitably due to their BPD.
Let me set this straight for you: no mental illness makes a person intrinsically unloveable, except maybe in certain cases where the criteria of that mental illness are inevitably bad, and then we’re having a circular argument. I’m talking about psychopathy, for example, but even people with this condition may want to heal.
Borderlines and others with personality disorders more commonly than those without them have characteristics that are undesirable. For this reason, a personality disorder may cause someone to appear unloveable, but then it’s still not that personality disorder in itself that causes it, but the way the patient chooses to handle their disorder. I for one fight my BPD tendencies and try hard to recover. This doesn’t mean I’m there already – I am not, and there are still characteristics of mine that are pretty undesirable. Then again, everyone has more or less undesirable traits, and it is only when these traits cause a person to either suffer significantly or become a danger to themselves or others, that we call it a personality disorder.
Let’s also consider the fact that most people with mental illness, including personality disorders, suffer at least as much from their illnesses as those around them do. The cluster of disorders to whcih BPD belongs in DSM-IV, is characterized by the patients being a pain in the ass. Psychopathy and narcissism are in the same cluster, but then again even people with these conditions may want to heal and try to hurt their relatives as little as possible.
It’s true, most mental illnesses include odd or annoying behaviors, or they wouldn’t be recognized as mentally illnesses. I for one get extremely annoyed by most people with psychotic disorders. Then again, does this mean that psychotic disorders make someone annoying? No. It’s the annoying behavior that is inappropriate, and people without mental illness may well exhibit the same behavior, only it isn’t seen as part of a mental illness. I remember a few years back the Institute for the Study of the Neurologically typical proposing criteria for normal personality disorder, neurotypical disorder, etc. as a humorous rebuttal of the idea that those without mental illness are saved from being a pain in the ass. Check them out and have a good laugh and, if you’re normal or neurotypical, realize the truth in some of this.