Missing Out on Motherhood

I posted about this several times before on my other blog, but am going to write about it again. I miss being a mother. This may seem strange, because I choose not to have children. Oh well, circumstances wouldn’t allow me to have kids, but I still consider myself childless by choice.

What I actually miss, is not having a wee one run around my house bawling, but having the privileges that motherhood awards. Of course, you can’t have the privileges without the hardships, so I don’t mean to say that mothering is all rose-colored. What I do mean, is that there are a lot of privileges in our society for mothers. I can’t explain this I’m afraid, but I feel like, well, it’s assumed that every woman over a certain age (thank goodness not yet my age) is a mother.

Maybe, then, it’s not so much the material privileges I miss, but the sense of identity motherhood awards you. Women-focused magazines, websites etc. are 90% mother-focused. It makes me feel like I’m missing out on something.

I must confess, I have at one point, under the name of my motherly part, joined mothering communities that don’t say they are exclusively for Moms. This may not be appropriate, like my at one point having joined a teen forum without saying my age is not appropriate. IN fact, I only benefit from being female here or I’d be seen as a pedophile.

It seems like maybe what I miss is having that part of an identity that is not disordered. There’s little out there for twentysomethings, maybe because they dominate the Internet, so I can’t really consider that identity-shaping. Other than that, I have womanhood – but as I said, 90% of being a woman is being a Mom -, and I have my various disability statuses. I don’t want to be a minority person in every aspect of my life.

14 thoughts on “Missing Out on Motherhood

  1. Hi,In Patricia St. John's book called TREASURES OF THE SNOW, there's a part in the book when a young girl tells her grandmother that even though Jesus came into her heart sometimes she had such bad, angry feelings. The wise grandmother said, "every day of your life, ugly, angry thoughts will knock at the door and try to get in again. Don't try and push them back yourself. Ask Jesus to help you by filling you with His love. Read about the love of The Lord Jesus every day in your Bible. If you keep your heart full of it, there won't be room for those bad thoughts to stay." Hope this helps


  2. Mental health can take so much from a person, I'm just in awe at your complete honesty I wish I could talk so opening about some of the things my 'disorders' make me feel. Maybe one day I will manage it – all I shall for now though is thank you for making me feel less alone.


  3. I applaud you for being so candid about this topic. You are right, society is hard on women who do not have children. They don't respect that some made that decision willingly and others were forced into that decision. In any case, it's a personal one and I don't think anyone should be judged for it either way. Thank you for opening up to us in this way.


  4. I know this must have taken courage to write. I can't say I know how you feel but I can only imagine. I'm a mom and I don't know how it would be when my kids leave the fold but I know that it would hurt not having them around anymore. Thank you for sharing your story.


  5. Your honesty is wonderful. As we all know being a mother is a wonderful thing, it can also be a hard thing. You may or may not remain childless, the future will tell. I wish you all the best whatever may come in your life.


  6. I don't think that being a mom makes me a woman. I am a woman because I was born female and at a certain age matured into a woman. I hope you can find happiness in your identity as a woman with or without kids.It is hard to be honest. Kudos to you for speaking out about your struggles.Peace


  7. Wow, some things about life are really hard aren't they? I can see so much of the points you are making … I'm wondering if there might be a way for you to find a sort of "identity" like this in a bit of a different way. It seems like you may be trying to do this already but maybe there are other ways too? Like at Christmas time when there are "angel" trees through which you can give to a child whose family may be struggling… and in that sense you would be taking on a part of the role that mothers have in children's lives? That may or may not be helpful but just something to consider if you had not already.I see in your bio you have been through A LOT … I too am a "survivor of childhood trauma" and so I know how trauma can affect you throughout life. I will be praying for you as you work through these feelings you are having.You might enjoy this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZuJWQzjfU3o


  8. After reading your story… I celebrate the survivor in you! I think in a way your advocacy makes you like a parent and your fight clearly makes you a survivor with lots to share with others!


  9. You are such a strong woman. My Sister In Law can't have kids either and she felt for years like she missed out. After seeing how some of her friends kids turned out… I think she is happy she didn't have any children. I know that doesn't help but sometimes things work out for the best.


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